Bound To Ramble

Big News, Big Lies, Big Snoring Match

2008-08-31T22:13:00.003-04:00

In order to understand the headlines on the news today regarding Hurricane Gustav, it is important to realize the role of News Media. Yes, as many people say, the news spins stories out of control to gain a wider audience, bringing revenues in for whoever. But just how this is achieved is more difficult to define.

Today, CNN was rampant with satellite images of Hurricane Gustav; how it was working its way towards to coast, and about to destroy America. The news host kept emphasizing that the Hurricane was a category 3: repetition is one way of scaring the masses. As he said absolutely nothing during his moments of speech, it would keep cutting to a new anchor. These new hosts would summarize exactly what he said, over and over - the only catch, they were "on location". This tactic of placing a host in harm's way seems to bring the event that much closer to your living room. Since the advent of computers, and technology we have the wonderful world of graphics. During the 10 minutes I watched, a total of 3 anchors "on location" reported, with the original host cutting back and forth to the meteorologist. She then proceeded to show layouts of wind patterns that some third party "Storm Chasers" apparently captured. This brings me to the next tactic: graphically displaying useless data. The images were about 400 arrows pointing in all directions, and told the person at home (or in danger) absolutely nothing. Knowing the wind speed in the middle of the ocean is not going to save your home and family.

It is just incredible how easy it is to manipulate people; mind boggling really. But it is evident how powerful these tactics are. Some grandmother living 30 miles from the coast would see the broadcast and cringe. There was a time where people lived among nature, knew about nature, and dealt with nature as it came. These forecasts of doom only make us more ill-prepared since we have no education or first-hand experience in dealing with them. Educating the public, with information that can be tracked to a scientific source seems to be the best at this moment in our civilization. We have lost the Traditional Environmental Knowledge of old, and replaced by government studies, and biased conclusions.

Addicted to Love, Healed by Time

2008-08-30T19:18:00.002-04:00

Over the years I've become dependent on certain things - which with time, have lead to a habit. These habits have forced me to change myself in order to include them in my life. Some were good, some were bad; some easily broken, others lingering for awhile. Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs are the commonplace in today's society - a door, easily opened, that leads to a severed reality.

One addiction, Love, is rampant in today's Western culture. Money, and sex are almost always cited as people can easily gravitate to them, but never fully fulfill their potential (since its seemingly impossible to have too much pleasure, or too fat a bank account). The love of another body is a strange part of being Human. I have mused about this topic for quite some years now, usually after someone has changed my mind on the topic. Falling out of love is a scary phenomenon that once complete, will never come back.

It is very hard for me to accept that something or someone is gone, when they are together it is a double edged sword of guilt, resentment, and dark nights in stare. Usually when I buy something, or become interested in someone there is a foundation for it; the "roots" of my mind are firmly established. Losing a loved one for reasons that include the very essence of a person (not being on-time, being 'boring', etc.) it is an understanding that one or both parties is not good enough. Not being good enough to be in a relationship with another is not mutual; one party decides the fate of both. One mind decides whether or not the love of two will continue and grow, or become dead and withered.

However, there is a hope for a more peaceful state of mind following a "relationship break-up": memories, and those experiences that come from them. It brings me great pleasure to dwell on the past, to remember lessons I've forgotten, or people that made me feel emotions at a certain time. I am not a fatalist, or much of any "ist" in terms of events happening for a certain reason/cause. Whatever happens, happens; Whatever doesn't, doesn't. Life should be about a constant desire to learn (from mistakes), and create some sort of personal ethic. So, when someone enters my life, and leaves it just as quickly, I write to lessen the pain of loss. It is intensely personal, and allows me to remember much more than during a conversation. Time heals.

The following is a song that I was listening to today, and seemed to be written for me at that moment in time. It is a good to be alive, during a time when others are able to express their thoughts in song. I didn't think I'd have to write a log about this, or include a song like this, oh well, atleast its theraputic:
________________
I miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way
Miss your approach to life and your body in my bed
Miss your take on anything and the music you would play
Miss cracking up and wrestling and our debriefs at end of day

chorus
These are things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

I miss your neck and your gait and your sharing what you write
Miss you walking through the front door documentaries in your hand
Miss traveling our traveling and your fun and charming friends
Miss our big sur getaways
And to watch you love my dogs

[chorus]

One step one prayer I soldier on, simulating moving on

I miss your warmth and the thought of us bringing up our kids
And the part of you that walks with your stick-tied handkerchief

[chorus, 2 times]

BitTorrent and Peer-to-Peer: Internet Restriction [ Part 1 ]

2007-12-14T04:04:00.000-05:00

I am not sure about the audiences of this blog, but downloading methods are quite important to me. These methods can be described as the ways in which one can send (and receive) information over the internet. There are numerous methods that compound as the technology improves. Mostly though, my experience has been with FXP, (or FTP-to-FTP), which has numerous advantages. This method allows any user to transport information at potentially "record breaking" speeds, regardless of their connection; The user only needs to initiate the process. For instance, 2 OC-3 (155 megabits per second (100 T-1s) Ave. cost $20,000.-$45,000./mo.) rated servers can exchange data at the expense of a 28.8k user on a dial-up model. Many have exploited this resource on the internet, and it continues in large part today. However, with the rise of open-source, and data exchange on the public level, peer-to-peer services have emerged.

The largest and most commonly used peer-to-peerservice is Bittorrent, becoming increasinly dominant. The success has even moved the program from open-source into the corporate domain (i.e. BitTorrent.com). Creator Brad Cohen, is now a partner in "BitTorrent", allegedly the "global standard" for the peer-to-peer framework. The original little bit of code written in Python has proved convient for users, and a headache for Internet Service Providers (ISP). By now, various major ISP, most notably Ted Rogers', have begun implementing their own strategies to control the usage of BitTorrent. The community, energetic and willing to fight, have answered with various strategies, most notably encryption and private trackers. The aim is to disguise packets in order to avoid the traffic shaping tools put in place by the ISP.

Legally... is another story

Will continue on another day...

Paradox of Progress

2007-12-09T03:26:00.000-05:00

Time does indeed go by very quickly; like a bird that perches and/or flies away. Most of these hours and minutes have been occupied by darkness and uncertainty, ultimately making me that much more aware of the world around me. Throughout this time I have exercised my social faculties, forgotten lots, and learned much. The uphill trek through the educational system has brought triumph, and blunders - most of them new experiences.

I would not have pictured myself as I am now, but who really can? I have never really strived for anything, as I have found that anticipation is a great precursor to disappointment. Although this apparent lack of "goal setting" will most likely prove problematic. Yet when I observe those around me, I am not alone. Many eager minds, forced (or not) into the post-secondary school system, are in the same dilemma. Just what is it that I want to do the rest of my life? In other words, what will bring me most happiness.

The education I have receieved has shaken the principles that I so naively held onto all through my youth. Although I'm still very much a product of the twisted Western ideals that have been so meticulously crafted for me (and society). It took a really long time to draw some cognitive line between 'how things are', and 'why these things are the way they are'. The more I learn from my academia however, the more hungry I get. Diving into a book, or article only opens avenues that are completely alien to me - a phenomenon that I had to pay tuition for, to really understand.

As I progress, I'm eventually going to get a degree from University. It'll be pure satisfaction on that day, for I will have definitely earned it. After that is accomplished, I do not know - planning ahead is not my nature. Some have said it is disheartening, a flaw of my personality. Personally, it makes living in the 'now' a whole lot more enjoyable. Why the hell would I plan for the future in this ridiculously unpredictable world? I doubt it'll explode into cosmic dust or have some nuclear war; world leaders are not THAT stupid or that generous. They need to compound their wealth. Generations of hard work won't be thrown away because some politician is feeling courageous and cocky. There's alot more to the "global village" then merely a global village...

Many of those people I once knew are gone now, forever I suppose.The world is a small place, but not so small that I'm optimistic to see them again. This doesn't sadden me; you really cannot rely on others for your own happiness. Plus, I do not care enough in many circumstances to give a shit. Maybe I'm bi-polar? Have some illness? Over exaggerating?Although there are definitely a select few who add to my peacefulness daily. Its definitely not the naivety I felt in my earlier days, but something of worth; worth holding onto. Separating the pleasures of the Mind, from those of the Soul took a shit load of inner searching (and yes, all that exists and is possible!) and many failed attempts. It will never be complete, but the more I look, the more complete I become. Growing up is definitely a downside to this living thing, but living in ignorance is pretty shitty too. I think that is why I do not like many people. So many people I have met are so fixated on one thing (in the city, usually money or getting laid/'crunk'), or so close-minded or very poor bookworms. They just do not see the big picture, things don't happen in some big bubble (cough cough, the "Butterfly Effect", anyone?). This aspect of Earth is so important, yet so many simple choose to ignore it, or don't understand it. It's beyond the fact that we're all in 'this' together - flora AND fauna, rock AND cloud, body AND soul. The problem is, preaching something a certain way is only going to draw criticism. I truly believe there will never be peace or balance on earth as long as man is ruling. There's just too many things going on, too many problems, too many unknowns. It'll take centuries upon centuries to fix what we've done, and in that time, new problems will take over the old. The paradox of progress perhaps.

What's that worth, G

2007-07-11T02:50:00.000-04:00

It is difficult to say when one as a "revelation" which can be religious in value. We could merely be ignorant and not "see" them, or on the other hand, they could be hogwash. Some universal truth, bestowed in us for a short period, that seems to make all things united. I had some sort of that feeling, a likened to that of a dream while waking state. It came from an old memory of when I was a preteen. The age of pure innocence - I had no care, no concern, no folly. Now, I exist in the age of increased awareness. It's not something that I want really, but I guess it comes with maturation. Things are seen in some metaphysical light, casting truths forth. Subjective investigation replaces aimless curiosity.

The world is so expansive. I'm utterly swallowed. It is an exciting time, but also one that scares the shit out of me. If I dare wonder about it. The next few years of my life are going to decide some of those 'building blocks' of a person's 'worth'. Scary because I'm going to be all alone this time. Hopefully isolation won't grip me too tightly.

I sometimes ponder just how oneself can progress so effortlessly, wihout the body even knowing. Oneself is some crazy idea that's for sure. What dos it mean to be "you"? Are you some labels from the buddies like "funny", "sexy", are you perhaps more ethically tuned and are "caring", "understanding". Can "you" be summed up in english words, or even words period? Do the actions we partake in daily, have done, and/or will do - contribute to this notion of "you", "me"? And I don't mean some crazy "being" sense of this word. But more along the lines of: What does X person think of "you"? What (function, purpose,etc) are you to X? It's very unsettling to be put into one word. "Sister", "Friend", "Wife", "Girlfriend". Is all we are just another concept of where we live in? Surely Neanderthal man did not know the notion of a sister. Friend perhaps, father okay, but the idea of a more specialized relationship.

I don't like to be classed as one word to people. I should be worth a lot more than a simple set of letters! Maybe the only true appreciators of ourselves, is infact ourself.

2007-05-30T21:07:00.000-04:00

Grumble.

Peter need friends.

Gurgle.

2007-05-20T02:36:00.000-04:00

People always delight me. Bring me joy, no matter what their tidings bid. I simply love people, especially the way they interact. I'm but a casual observer, taking it everything my peers do. A big heatsink of experience - if you want to call it that. So when someone comes to me with a problem, especially a close friend, I am all there, all willing to show them what I have learned. Enlighten them perhaps, if my wisdom "vat" is capable of doing so.

Likewise, I like someone who will be able to understand the "visions" I bring, and critique them. It's a very difficult role - not too sound cocky. But there has been maybe 2, mostly 1 who have been able to. Been able to lighten my heart, and liften my soul - bring me happiness, joy, comfort, companionship.

Friends are a type of people. A more distinct and personal form. Incredible in their impact on others, but able to be un-friended at any moment in our current perception of time (where t = 0; and progreses in 1 second intervals). It's incredible what we can learn from them, and more important share with them.

I just wish friends would realize the true merit of the title, and work to make sure it is eternal. There are definitely SOME bonds were morth than others.

2007-05-19T22:47:00.000-04:00

Gazing through the window at the world outside
Wondering if mother earth will survive
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her, sometime

After all theres just the two of us
And here we are still fighting for our lives
Watching all of history repeat itself, time after time

Im just a dreamer, I dream my life away
Im just a dreamer, who dreams of better days

I watch the sun go down like everyone of us
Im hoping that the dawn will bring a sign
A better place for those who will come after us this time

Im just a dreamer, I dream my life away, oh yeah
Im just a dreamer, who dreams of better days

Your higher power may be God or jesus christ
It doesnt really matter much to me
Without each others help there aint no hope for us
Im living in a dream, a fantasy
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah

If only we could just find serenity
It would be nice if we could live as one
When will all this anger, hate and bigotry be gone?

Im just a dreamer, I dream my life away, today
Im just a dreamer, who dreams of better days, ok
Im just a dreamer, whos searching for the way, today
Im just a dreamer, dreaming my life away
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah

Lake Spontaneous on the banks of the ol' Idea River

2007-05-19T00:54:00.000-04:00

I think I'm in love with the stars. No, not Hollywood wieners, but the ones in the sky! There are wonders of beauty, and inquiry that I have never imagined before this very day. Just the very thought of how vast the "Universe" (or whatever you want to call Outer Space) appears to be. I mean, I'm no expert on the topic, but I'd imagine a lot of the data, and literature is pretty abstract. Very theoretical, no? Regardless, the Universe is God damned big. As I thought further about it, the question of other civilizations on remote planets popped into my head. What if there are other places, more advanced or not, out there? What an idea. Self-contained Earth, with all its flaws and uncertainties, meets another self-contained "Earth". It'd be an absolutely mind boggling task to estimate the sheer amount of knowledge that could be interchanged. Yeah, I just hope I don't go too far into this "space" thing and become a reader of the stars. Although that would be pretty cool to flash off socially - I've never met a person like that before.

I woke up today, and now it's 1:02AM. I definitely did not get any work done tonight. But that's okay, tomorrow is a new day full of useful time. I just hope my natural urge for procrastination doesn't get the better of me. Lots of reading to be done. I'm still a bit shakey on the gametophytes of a plant, versus the sporophytes. I understand the fundamentals, but when you're given dozens and dozens of different plant phyla (I think it's called), and expected to memorize it all - things get wacky!

Ahh, tommorow is hockey game parties. I was invited to one, but it starts at around 2PM. And I don't really know the person that well either. Probably just use the time to educate my brain; I can be social later on in the night.

One thing I never quite understand about "bloggers" and literary "pros" in general - Why the hell do you have to use such big words? I mean, Plato searched for definitions of even the most 'basic', commonly use words and was never satisfied. Why compound these adjectives, and synonym onto words that we may not even know the meaning of? I mean, I guess you come across as "uneducated", but shit, if you're trying to get a point across, make it well clear and don't hide it in rhetoric and garbage. That's what the world needs more of. Straight forward conversation that gets to the point. (I mean, there's a time to schmooze and enjoy the company of someone else - that's probably the most satisfying socializing of all. Perhaps that is the true definition of "friend". Intellectual connection between people. Really basic, really focused on the mental/emotional connection between people - but - so satisfying, beyond our capacities to comprehend.) If others did that, then damn we wouldn't have so many fights, arguments, and negativity. I'm not the best with people, but I give everyone a fair chance. People have their insecurities, its understandable I have mine. And perhaps sometimes these insecurities are used in ways which hurt another.

Poor communication leads to ultimate decay of a relationship. The thing is though, which relationships come and go like the changing seasons - with ups and downs, struggles and triumphs - are worthy of chasing? Which require special attention, and which should be forgotten. It's difficult to give a definite formulae for this, because I think it is very subjective. Everyone benefits from a relationship regardless of the end result. For me, it depends on how much it really impacted my normal routine. (And impacted can be defined in different ways, and is a bit difficult to describe in passing, but a phone call could be considered an impact; just for reference.) And ultimately, how much it really left a mark in your memory. Memories fade, that much is very true. But I'm coming to a point in my aging life, that things I viewed as careless and free as a kid, are much more important now (i.e. friendship). And it makes me wonder even further to the point of, do I want certain memories to be forgotten?

One thing I dislike about blogging is when you get typing, your thoughts pour out like water from lake Spontaneous. It can get very personal, very quickly. I guess thats why writing therapy has been effective in numerous cases.

words of wisdom to think about(?) - Know when to let the minutes tick away from the clock when indecision strikes you. Realize when to get up, and utilize precious time for the betterment of friendships. (oh god, I'm such a baby. But being so open has never felt so good.)

(e)motion sickness

2007-05-18T22:00:00.000-04:00

My current favourite song is Hurt.

Like jeez, can you get anymore depressing, pete?

eternity in an instant

2007-05-17T17:11:00.000-04:00

So, I'm about a month into my final semester as a second year undergrad!

All things school related are going great. My courses this semester are Lit. Works of Western Philosophy, Intro. to Cognitive Science, Intro. to Botany, The Short Story, and Intro. to Anthropology. At first glance you may notice a few "intro" courses, and well there's a good reason - Waterloo U doesn't offer much in the summer study period. It's unfortunate, but at the same time very comforting. I'm able to still branch off into other curiosities while still graduating with an honours degree. Although some of the material is a bit overwhelming (i.e. Biology), its definitely going to save my sanity over the next couple of months.

With regards to the "social" aspect of my life, well it's somewhat there. Slowly though I'm losing the last few remaining "friends" I had. Unfortunately, I'm also not meeting enough new faces to compensate for this. My depression tantrums slowly dissolved from around February. Alas, they are back with more flavour and ferocity than ever before. I mean, I know things will "blow" over (or I've been led to believe this) but its just so very hard.

Searching for answers, turning back time, understanding the present - everyday of my life is basically tied into those 3 themes. I'm constantly learning, and reading and attaining (or uncovering if you're Socrates) new information. Something which I've always geared towards, whether in school or curiousities. Time, well, its been my enemy lately. So many deadlines, so many beginnings, so many endings. Things just seem to happen so fast that once its all over I'm still caught, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. I don't mean to be "slow", I just have a lot of things on my mind. If I could turn back time Cher, I would. The present right now is really a big joke. I don't know if I'm leaving or staying. Everyday is exactly the same - pent up emotions consuming my mind, shaping and twisting my mood, and actions. Slavery is definitely not a good thing.

Mental slavery is an interesting issue. I know it's a very real, yet abstract topic. But it is definitely a phenomena that I experience every single day. Hiding from the things I think I know, Not listening to those who wish to tell me, trapped in a world of uncertainty. And after reading "The Yellow Wallpaper" by Gilman, insanity is a concern.

One could lesson that I keep pondering is the fact that change comes from within. We are in charge of who we are. Sure there's other who impose and take away our freedoms, fundamentally we decide how to react to all the bullshit. The problem is, these reactions can be illogical, and downright stupid. But like I allured to earlier, you can't turn back time.

Man oh man, I wish forgiveness was common place, and resolution was mutual and loving. These cracks in my life need to be sealed up soon. Then again, "if somethin' ain't broke, then don' fix it".

School, Friends, Memories and New Beginnings

2007-04-15T12:12:00.000-04:00

So, I'm in the middle of going back to school, and its all really a blur. I'm not excited, but my life is in real need of some changes. Maybe a few months away from some real-life demons will give my body the positive boost. On the other hand, I've grown to enjoy my neighbourhood, and certain people in it. I'm definitely going to be sad to go away - but nothing stays the same, you can always rely on "change", its always going to be there.

My courses aren't too appealing, but I know I'm going to really enjoy learning and reading about interesting things all day (and everyday; if I know what's good for my average). These days school has some bad omens about it, and I'm not sure why. People are being poisoned into thinking that homework, and reading a textbook is some kind of chore, some kind of disease. Everyone I've known from my grade school who fucked around in high school, didn't go to class, was outside at lunch toking before their next period - all dropouts , or looking around for a purpose once they graduated (or decided enough was enough). They've got no jobs, and most of them drink and use regularily. It's the typical stuff that the ads on TV. I mean, I'm not judging anyody here. Don't get my wrong, I could have easily gone that route in life, but something inside me told me different. It said "all this will pay off soon, peter, just resist the temptations".

I'm glad my highschool experience was so shitty from others. I'm glad I didn't have the patience, or appeal to hang out with anybody. I'm really glad. I was the kid who sat on his computer from the moment he got home from school, to the minute he went to bed. People are quick to label one who does this as a "nerd", "geek", "loner", "loser" - That's great, those were some of the best times in my life. I remember having dvd screeners of movies people wanted to go and see at the movies Friday night. You see, in today's advances we have p2p software that allows the average person to "leech" whatever they want. Back a few years ago, Napster was just a dream. Peer 2(to) Peer was not even a phrase. So, luxuries like this weren't around. I had to literally "work" for software - and what fun it was.

Things are different now though. I'd love to go back to bootlegging (knocks on wood that the RIAA isn't snopping in blogs) but it just wouldn't be the same. My mind is looking for something new, something engaging, something fresh. Women help ease the way to happiness, but they can never show you the way. I'm starting to understand some valuable life lessons these days, like happiness coming from within - not others (people, drugs, things, etc).

The best things in life are free. Having a warm body next to you when the cold world outside is threatening discomfort. I wish I could stop time.

2007-02-18T04:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I've just now learned the value of friendship. The important thing to me, personally, is not how strong or powerful or lasting a relationship is - but really a hedonistic response to how good they felt. I cannot worry about the future anymore, I feel society has taken a strange turn and I am on the brinks. Looking in, called a "freak" by some, even "weird". Making this strange off colour world isn't right.

I met a cool person today. But I think it was nothing, which is kind of sad because I feel like the guy from eternal sunshine... where he says he falls in love with every girl who pays attention to him. Yeah, I'm him.

Maybe it works out :)

The 'Life' epidemic

2007-02-10T12:05:00.000-05:00

Where do I begin with this long awaited, and much needed (web)log update? So much has happened to me over the past few months, its very difficult to accumulate all these thoughts and memories into one massive submission.

Well, if you've read any of my posts, then you'll undoubtedly know that the world is a big bad scary monster, and I'm very afraid its out to get me. School is still fun, exciting and enjoyable but its on hold until May. I'm currently on my coop work term, without a job yet, but I still have time to secure placement - I have an interview Tuesday!

Over these past few months I've learned much about the evils that reside in people, and still find it difficult to accept others decisions; and my own. Others never cease to surprise me with their torrent of bullshit. I really need a change of scenery - life in the big city has lost its luster - and experience the world before it gets too late.

I've gone through several personality transformations (for better and worse), and came out clean on the other end. Temptation is an evil beast, and addiction is a disease that gripped me tightly and won't ever let go. It's unfortunate it was me, at this time, but I'm adjusting and dealing with life's 'lemons' as best I can.

I'm currently involved with someone I care deeply for, but like all things good I cannot help but think beyond the rainbow. I want to be optimistic, and naive, but I have a bad history of women going away for no reason. Trust is a word that I don't use often, but I'm starting to accept the fact that you can't gain without risk. Sometimes you just have to let go of those intuitions, and observe them from the outside. Although in my experience, that I could be like asking me to break dance; its just not happening.

When I go away to school, will things still be the same? Probably not. When I come back from school, will things be different? Probably. That's alright though, the only constant you can rely on is that change happens.

As I study amongst my peers in an environmentally aware program, I cannot bring myself to be so disillusioned. The world is not going to be fixed. Many find this concept hard to accept, and try as hard as they can to solve world problems. I think we need to understand things today as best we can, without putting so much pressure on trying to change tommorow. It's true, things like potable water for all, and no more world hunger could have been solved decades ago. But there are things in this world much bigger, and more mysterious than anyone hopes to admit. We're never going to have truthful politicians, fair police, good hearted citizens - a real communism, the kind that works on paper but not in practice.

All these Utopian-esque visions are way too smart and sound for this stupid, idiotic world. It really is a tragedy - we have so much and do so little. I don't hear intellectual conversations anymore, just drunken banter and drug filled minds that are too far gone for rational help.

Sorry the picture I'm 'painting' is not one filled with laughs, good memories, interesting ideas. All the good ideas have already be thought up, the good words already been spoken. I think we need to stop inventing shit, and use what we already have. If only I was king for a day.

2006-11-02T01:20:00.000-05:00

I've missed, and miss so much. The innocent childhood times. The irrational high school times. I'm coming to terms, only now at the ripe age of 19, that these things are long gone and not coming back. Its taken me far too long to actually get a grip of "reality" and what is going on right now.

The more I blog, the more I realize just how little control I have over my life these days. It's becoming a boring lament - I seem to rant and rave about how far gone my life is. It really has gone astray, and its only getting worse.

Man, I need a friend.

University Round 2

2006-10-13T00:48:00.000-04:00

So, it's been about 5 weeks since I began this party of fun. It's been alot different, thats for damn sure. I'm living on my own, in a house, paying bills (somewhat), and commuting to and from school. May seem like nothing to most people, but its been quite a change for me. School wise, it has been a bit dry, but I'm not slipping into the cracks of failure (yet)!

I've met people, lost touch with people, liked people, hated people. It's been a rollercoaster ride on my emotions like no other. If I had my way things would be different, but I've come to realize (after much advice from drunken middle-aged fools) that you can't depend on people - and it's a harsh reality that I still can't grasp. People are good for one thing though, being in a certain place, at a certain time to teach you something that only they can. Even if its the same advice that the other person gave you, its advice from their unique experience, and should be valued.

There's so many people I miss that I'll never see or talk to again, and it depresses the love out of me. But coming to grips with this is easy if one understands the cyclical nature of people - they come and go. How cliched is that?

So yeah, if anyone out there met me once, and wants to renew that "friendship", dont hesitate to leave your contact information. I'm lonely, interesting, and waiting for some real damn people to talk to.

Now I'm sounding desperate, oh well. Cheers on this fine Oktoberfest evening.

Planting the seeds of self-destruction

2006-09-02T23:33:00.000-04:00

Same blog. Different post. Same message.

The school train is rolling into the station again, and its time to board the train of education. I'm not as eager as I should be, and I wish it wasn't this way. I'm still spiraling down the hole of self-denial, and depression; nothing has changed.

Everything that I used to be is now gone, and may not be around again. Sounds like typical teenager 'angst', I know, but it seems like the most fitting description of what is going on in my head. I'm so tired - physically, mentally, and spiritually. Sleep and caffiene isn't what I need, I need a kick in my metaphysical ass.

Too little has changed. The good things in life are gone forever, and aren't going to return. Its a bleak reality really. There's so much oppritunity, but I feel so helpless in my current skin. So restricted, bound by some shapeless demon. Will I ever be set free again?

This post is too long!

2006-07-30T03:51:00.000-04:00

This blog has existed - in a few versions - for many years now, I'd guess about 2. Since that time, many of my most personal thoughts, feelings, and daily happenings were documented. Looking back, I don't really know where I turned wrong, but I did. High school, romance, University, parties, drugs, friends, and strangers have shaped me for better (and worse). The days of absolute innocence are now long gone, the days of complication are now dawning.

All through that time there's been 2 individuals that have really left something with me, and will always have a spot in my life. The sad part of this tale is that a part of me rejects them, while another accepts them. I'm really not sure why exactley this is, but fear is certainly a big part of it. I'm simply too scared to go forward, progress, and make real decisions that will affect my life in real ways.

I've grown up a lot these past years, more than I'd ever have hoped. The geeky loner is now replaced with this person I still don't know who. Its like some demonic force has overtaken my mind, and bestowed this mental block on me. Simply tasks like communicating with a family member aren't even possible anymore; my battery is running low, and I can't find the recharger.

My social life isn't even real, but cast around people who know nothing about me, and gossip when I'm not around. There's no friendship because I exist in a world outside of theirs. I'm way too honest with people, and it causes problems at every corner. Everyone around me has grown so accustomed to living in the dark about core issues surrounding their lives. I go to University, enjoy the simple things in life, and love to know as much as possible about the world around me. This is drastically different from that of my peers: most of them cannot even keep a steady job, enjoy living the ideals of Westernized society without a hint of questioning them, and are the complete opposite of me. People used to always tell me that opposites attract, but this is ridiculous.

My "love" life is probably even worse than that. I've been fixated on one person for a long time now, and I just can't commit. I keep waiting, and waiting, hoping for that person to be there day after day. Reality has caught up with me now, and allowed me to see a grusome truth: I will never be with her. As much as I hate relationships, people, and all that comes with it, this girl is very special. I've pondered the idea of Soulmates, but I am only 19, and still very stupid, so that's just a thought in my head, and I'm not buying into it, yet. So, this department is on extended vacation for atleast the next few years.

The one thing that is keeping me grounded on my feet, and not in a grave is probably school. It's something that can't be described in words, but is probably the best thing I have ever experienced. The atmosphere, the information, the campus, the homework. Every aspect of it delights me to the point where I never want to leave. I hope to become a teacher, university prof to be exact. I wouldn't mind rambling on to a bunch of droopy eyed young adults who are serious and eager to learn. After all, University is the holy grail of education.

I've been going on about pretty much nothing for awhile now, and its really very theraputic. I used to fucking love typing my most spontaneous ideas as fast as I could. What a friend we have in time, it gives us children and makes us wise.

Rogers @ Home Vs. The People

2006-07-18T04:10:00.000-04:00

Recently (I don't have an exact date since its been occurring on and off throughout Ontario for awhile), "Rogers@Yahoo" began throttling, or limiting, bandwidth allocated for the Bitorrent protocol. This has attracted mobs of angry customers, and "neutral net" supporters, while creating a whole new set of Bitorrent solutions. Proposed solutions have included changing ports that Bitorrent uses to transfer data, and using encryption to fool the traffic shapers that Rogers is allegedly using. As of this post, I am downloading at approx. 70 kB/sec using Utorrent on an unspecified port with encryption on.

I don't really have a problem with slow speeds on the Bitorrent protocol as much as the issues raised by the policies that Rogers has chosen to enact. This is not only illegal, but unfair on a moral level as one's freedom online is being restricted. How many other tools does Rogers have in place for other tasks? How many more are there to come? The harsh reality is that on the surface, Rogers is in the void on this issue, and avoids it as much as possible. Browsing their tech support site, I entered the vague term "Bitorrent" and came up with the following results:

Now, that seems all well, but the company denying that they have no knowledge of Bitorrent whatsoever is a bit concerning. They're blocking a specific program, not telling anybody about it, and hiding as much information about it as possible. That to me makes their business practices seem that much more malice, and scary. I understand from their point of view that they want their precious bandwidth to be used in other ways, but Bitorrent is a legitimate application that can serve a real purpose, and ultimately help their cause to tone down internet traffic.

There's a real purpose for Rogers trying to cut back on bandwidth, and I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps they're developing their own media delivery protocol, or are taking heavy losses in the financial sector. Only time will tell with this issue.

Home Networking Blues

2006-07-05T01:36:00.000-04:00

Never invest in a piece of hardware that: resembles the picture left, and is called "WRT54G". It will shut down on you, not work properly, and ultimately cause unwanted stress.

Although it has promise, via its many different firmwares available, Linksys just sucks the big one.

Upon initial installation, the 'power' light continuously flashed. Upon extensive Googling, I found out this is a tell-tale sign of a dead or 'bricked' router. Being a total newbie to home networking, I braced myself for an onslaught of new problems and headaches usually associated with computers - I wasn't disappointed. I had to upgrade the firmware (as the blinking light meant problems on the inside of the unit) a total of 8 times. Okay, so that worked fine for awhile, but as soon as I started using Bittorrent (for legal means ironically) the router bricked itself again. After more Googling, and much reading, I discovered that this router has "special" problems with the Bittorrent protocal, and is only possibly fixable. Again I had to flash the firmware, and tried another open-source one which helped for a little while.

Finally, the router burnt itself out, and will not "unbrick". So I've got this useless piece of plastic that constantly flashes green lights, and won't respond when I ping it.

Got Teeth?

2006-06-26T02:21:00.000-04:00

Two days ago I was packed into a stadium next to a balding man, who had a girlfriend half his age, listening to Trent Reznor lament about suicide. Now that ample time has elapsed, I'll give you a brief critique of Nine Inch nails performance.

First off, I don't have the complete setlist imprinted in my mind, but its very similar to the recent concerts (Google it if you're that interested). Throughout the show, a wire-like fence was put in front of the band which was connected to an LED 'trip' fest. It was like watching lights procreate while jogging. Very interesting concept, that was fully utilized at the end of the show. The purpose of using disjointed 'cages' was to give the impression of broken, computer generated text (Check their tour posters to see what I mean). This effect only displayed Reznor's brilliance for attention to detail, and his ability at improving his craft. And furthermore, I understood the sound behind the [With_Teeth] album - It was made especially for live shows. That's one thing Reznor always kept in mind when composing his songs, 'Are these things going to fucking rock a crowd while they sing along?'. Out of this philosophy, he's wrote classics such as "Wish", "Head Like a Hole", and "Sin". All drum kit, electronically induced, sludge-guitar melodies that will pound your temples, and burst your balls.

The show in its entirety amazed me, his band was full of energy from start to finish, and Reznor was absolutely razor sharp on the microphone. For a split second there, I thought of all the pop-punk, and teenie-boppers performing sold out shows, and I had sympathy for them. It does require immense talent to go out and please fans - whatever style music it is. Then again, the quality of the music is just as important.

Idiots, everyone last one of them

2006-06-23T01:53:00.000-04:00

Does the news fill your head with propaganda, like it does mine? Look at any website, which is usually an exact mirror of the news on the television and radio, and what will you find?

The above is simply me cutting and pasting the "Global" news off of Yahoo Canada's homepage. Tell me, how important are the issues above to worldly affairs? Just how useful is this thing they call "news"? Would you call that "news"? I sure as hell would not. It talks of death, and coming prophetic looming troubles that are poised to kill us. There's one thing that news outlets around the world love, and thats exaggeration. Just how blown out of porportion is the dreaded bird flu? the "war on terror"? I don't think I'll ever fathom just how stupid people have become. Morons.

Political Refusal

2006-06-06T14:51:00.000-04:00

Politics has never been my 'thing'. They're complicated, messy, and usually full of lies, inaction, and scandals. Political history is not one of victories, and Utopian living, but one of trial and error; no sound government has ever existed. The harsh truth of political life is that stability does not equal happiness, and happiness does not equal a good life. As long as the current form of democracy has the chance to rule, there will never be any real changes, no real escape from the social divide that exists in any country. We constantly struggle for freedom in all areas of our life, and as long as we continue to put a price-value on our surrounding, the tighter the shackles become around our necks. Money has led to nothing but violence and conflict. Today's poor values stress the importance of money, whether now or once you retire. Sound living, according to today's moto, starts with a bank account that is overflowing with meaningless numbers that reflect nothing. What is a $20 bill? It used to be 20$ worth of gold, but the gold standard has been long since forgotten (look at the United States' coming economic troubles).

Some time in the near future, radical politics are going to take over which will make any dictatorship look like paradise. If you're scared to sleep at night because some fabricated problem is going to steal away your children, then brace yourself for a world of nothing but rules. Rules that only restrict the growth of educated people, who genuinely love life. No, the neo-human will be addicted to medicine that will dope them up beyond recognition, pushing forward some useless cause.

Another reason why politics isn't for me, is the simple fact that whatever ideas or policies one suggests, a million others will propose their own. It then turns into a race of who can pass off their own ideals before the opposite does, and what illegal means were used to do it. Look at today's passing of the Canadian budget - not one person argued against it. How is it that such a divided government could pass such an important piece of legislature without criticism.

Welcome to the world of oppritunity, how much is your soul worth?

2006-05-31T01:14:00.000-04:00

How powerful is prophecy, fear and terror? Powerful enough to drive entire nations at war with eachother over nothing but out of context words. Take the florida gator crisis for example. 3 people dead, in a state with a population of over 15 million. That makes the chances of someone getting killed at roughly 0.00002%. I don't think that's really a national crisis capable of causing great harm to the population. Yet, the news outlet and its tools hone whatever they wish into whatever they want. It's a nasty business that seems to affect us all. Those of all with the added advantage of technology who can actually recieve news,and governments who are capable of delivering it. It seems that cultures evolve, and advance without news.

So, what then is the purpose of multinational news organizations? They certainly don't inform us of anything worth knowing. They merely keep us in check, brew terror and fear, and brainwash us into thinking they're legit. Real news can be found in journals, and alternate news websites. Even then, they should be properly checked. We should always be given the truth, not just what people think is the truth.

The internet presents a difficult challenge to those who wish to regulate it (i.e. China): it is so massive, and has such vast input that keeping track of all the data is seemingly impossible. Google, or other search engines do just this: regulate. They scower the internet for whatever it is, in hopes of indexing it and providing a searchable service for those who want it. You can't honestly argue that Google's original idea was to provide a service that allows people to search the internet.

My ideas are perhaps a bit far fetched, and almost insane in tone, but they're not that impossible.

2006-05-24T00:53:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get frustrated with your music and/or dvd collection? I haven't. I loaded my iPod with some newly encoded tracks - hot off the LameDropXPd press. Among the titles were dated (c. 1999) new orleans rap via Lil' Wayne.

I love exploring music on websites, and through friends. You always uncover yet another band, or song that feasts on your senses. Many find their calling in music, even a sort of salvation. I don't quite take it that far, but I do enjoy it a fair amount.

Save tonight (for tommorow may never come)

2006-05-10T02:49:00.000-04:00

Some people are so ignorant about the world around them. Some people just waste, and pretend that what they just threw out is going to magically disappear because they used a garbage can. "Paper grows on trees", is what my dental surgeon said to me today. How ignorant is that? This guy has two offices in two different parts of the city, and makes $1600 off pretty much every person who steps into his office.

I went to a get together on Saturday/Sunday, and enjoyed myself just a little. The crowd wasn't exactly my type, as they couldn't handle their booze worth shit. I mean, if you're a 'lightweight' in that department, don't start drinking at 10:00PM if you're going to flop over by midnight; it just makes no sense! The people were cool, but nobody really connected with me. I guess it was due to the fact that I was the most sober person there (University has a way of raising one's tolerance) as the wine and beer wasn't cutting it.

Some people just make me feel comfortable, and at peace. Even sitting with them in total silence is fine with me. Others put me on edge, as I'm racing to dig up a conversation topic to keep them interested. I'm a lot more social then I used to be, but still I find it hard to communicate with most of humanity - there's a real loss of substance in this western stinkhole. You can shove dozens of cultures together in a suburb, yet everyone just migrates towards the same ideals. It's the paradox that I live in. The unique individual is replaced by hordes of idiots who can't think for themselves, and model after those around them. Sure, influence is one thing, but copying (and even worshipping) someone is something entirely different.

As I was shaving tonight, something clicked inside my head, and sent me back a few years - to a time when my head wasn't 'no man's land'. Lately I've just been in a rut of self-denial, and general procrastination. Now it seems to be gone, but for only a while I suppose. Tomorrow though, is a new day. I'm going to hustle around looking for jobs, and hopefully score one. Costco seems really decent right now. The pay is good, and the hours are more than I could ask for. As of now, I'm already up until past 3 AM almost everynight, and Costco offers nightshifts until 7AM. Working midnight to 7, stocking shelves in a warehouse full of greed, lust, and the definition of waste - what a dream job.

Now I know why people rant about blogs so much. They're just another medium that is exploited for the sole purpose of useless ranting. My blog title is killer. Over and out.

BONOhead

2006-05-05T12:40:00.000-04:00

Bono is busy with his political insights once again against the Canadian government. As he is irish (or so I'm told) why doesn't he go and critique his post-civil war country. Better yet, why doesn't he bitch against the American government spending billions on nothing but a civilian bloodbath.

Why good has come from the Iraq "war"? Although a common, and often idiotic question, think about it. Aside from throwing the country into total chaos, it has changed the government numerous times, replaced the police force with a weaker (American led) one, and heated up old strains amongst religious sects. That's just inside Iraq alone. What about domestically? How many laws has Bush broken?

I'm not an avid TV follower, but everytime that jackass Bono gets his face on it, its about how the Canadian government is failing internationally. He's probably sitting on millions of dollars, but has the balls to complain about a lack of funding for international aid. But hey, if it gets his news in the papers, and the attention of people like me (for better or worse, I'm not sure which) then he's done his job.

On the other hand, he is raising awareness about foreign aid, but taking the wrong approach. He should be working with leaders, not cursing them. And if that doesn't work? Well, he better give up. Politics are everything!

Defining the definition

2006-05-02T02:47:00.000-04:00

Defining words are what allows us to interact with the world around us. We say murder is bad, so we're (usually) taught not to kill. But if definitions change, the way we interact with our world or "reality" is likewise different. It's the way things work. We strive for what we deem is needed at this point in time, based on how we define the situation.

A problem arises then with education. If we're unaware something is already available to define a situation, or "reality" then we're unaware of that part of life. Say for instance, we didn't know what either murder or bad was, how would we view a killing? We wouldn't say its bad, or that the act was murder at all. Therefore, we invent words to describe what is happening. That's all well and good, but what if words and definitions cross eachother, and now we're applying the word 'bad' to murder and dog? We then have to understand the definition, and context the word is being used in. So we can say a friend is bad because of the way we define a good friend. What if then, our definition of a good friend is not the right one at all?

Properly defining our surroundings is the way to attain an ultimate awareness of "reality" then. But, its a constant struggle of defining and applying these definitions.

This made more sense in my head, I swear.

Easy Life; Hard Death.

2006-05-01T02:24:00.000-04:00

Have you ever woken up one morning and found yourself dead? I have today, and every other morning for the last few months. You come to a point in your life where you hate wheres its heading, but you have no drive to change its course. Atleast the Titanic tried to steer away from the iceberg, I'm just hitting it head on.

I've come to a point where my head is a mess of thoughts, goals, and fantasy, all intertwined together in a big soup of disaster. There were times where the words flowed from my head in spontaneous chatter, now I'm a mute. I can't even find anything to discuss on this blog, when before useless ranting on the shortcomings of life were the daily. And the more I reflect on what I've written or done, the less it means to me. The less I know me.

For a long time now, I've just been drifting along the shores of life, searching and never finding. Always eager, and open for another interesting mind. Perhaps I need some alone time by myself, to really find out what the hell is going on, and where the hell I'm headed in the long run. At this rate, I'll be a nobody, watching the evening news with a fake smile.

Alas, I take life far too easy. It's so much more complicated, and I'm just trying to find myself in it.

living out your habits

2006-04-27T02:21:00.000-04:00

The biggest problem plaguing mankind is not something of a physical nature, such as an oil crisis, or increase in crime rate. It's our acceptance, and willingness to lie. No teenage person as really gone through their rough and tough years without several of them contributed to lying to their parents. They can range from denying their use of alcohol, or who they hangout with. Without honesty there isn't much meaning to anything. Honesty in a lot of cases brings truth to light.

With so much dishonesty, its hard to really trust a person, and accept their good intentions. There's very few people I'll trust with anything personal, and if I do, then its special! I like to avoid situations where I'm in a vulernable state, and open to possible future conflict. It's cautious, sometimes a bit too much, but its how I operate, and such things are hard to change.

Our habits integrate themselves into our lives without us knowing it in many cases. An alcoholic is usually unaware he/she has a problem until someone else helps them. This goes back to the old philosophical tradition of allowing others to help you find the truth. No one can really live on their own. Many have tried, only after initial human contact (following birth of course). We live day to day, routine to routine, and we call this 'living'. What is living then? Preforming these evolved habits over and over again? Experiencing the concept of 'life'? What is life? Such broad concepts plague mankind, and will never be answered.

Today is a good day.

Dead Mind

2006-04-26T15:29:00.000-04:00

My faith in today's music scene has been renewed. I used to ignore the tuesday releases often, and not even bother watching the "Hit" lits on TV. Tool, Godsmack, and Pearl Jam all have their latest efforts out on the market, and are absolutely invading my senses.

Wow, this blog fits its title, like always

Operation Complete

2006-04-25T03:04:00.000-04:00

The flow of information can be somewhat 'broken' at times, like that childhood game 'Broken Telephone'. Although, some intend to keep the message true to its original meaning, and form, there are some who wish to mix up words, and create confusion. This is where the highschool enemy named Gossip comes into play.

Gossip is a powerful tool in today's superficial society: it can make a person great, or destroy them for what seems like eternity. Mixed with the ages (14-18) of the pupils, situations escalate and can become tormenting problems simply due to someone's words.

With technology has come the ability to dispense information (and propaganda) across many mediums. Whether its an internet forum, or a photoshopped picture, electronic devices allow limitless possisbilities.

I'm finally done my first year at University, and its gone by way too fast. Residence life had its ups and downs, but was a rewarding experience that I still have to sift through. I've met many great minds who have enlightened me with their philosophies on how to live life, chug a beer, and study for an exam. It was a blast, and I am eagerly awaiting next year.

My grades for this term are decent, but below what I wanted. It's fine though, since it is first year, and I am adjusting to the mounting pressure of deadlines, and harsh marking of TAs. I met all my requirements, and my average is mediocre, so the self-pity can bug someone else.

The summer is going to be interesting, and probably a memorable one. University has opened my eyes to people, and feelings that weren't there before. Although life is still shitty, and my outlook is still cynical, I'll smile a little more knowing that it'll be better soon.

Use(ful/less) post

2006-04-07T22:12:00.000-04:00

Something I've been thinking about is the idea of "useful" vs "useless" conversation. There's obviously a difference, but where is the line drawn? For me personally, if the person I'm conversing with is someone I admire, then automatically the conversation leans toward "useful". Although bias, its something that western culture has practiced for awhile. Although, in the end all conversation can be deemed useful.

Looking back over this school year, I've learned a lot about myself and others. I'm still the same cynical bastard who finds practically everybody useless, but now I voice my opinions more often. For instance, how useful is spending my time (and consequent resources like electricity) putting my opinon onto something like the World Wide Web (WWW). In that sense, I'm the same as those I dislike.

Life is love. Love is pain. Pain is salvation.

Long time no update

2006-03-29T22:56:00.000-05:00

How's it going, folks? Did you miss my profound words of wisdom, and guidance? I know you did. Now that's settled, onto some blogging.

It's been awhile since I've updated this thing, and it's quite discerning. I've since completed my first year of University (well, almost) instruction, and am eager to start working. I've come to realize the real need for money, and all that comes with managing life on one's own.

University isn't that hard; sure it's tough to keep up with due dates, and good grades, but its really not that different from highschool - Then again, I'm in the "hippie" program, so what do I know.

Finding suitable housing for next year has proved to be very difficult. It's hard to find good roommates, and even harder to find the perfect place.

Wake Up!

2006-02-21T01:36:00.000-05:00

Sleeping while still awake - the moto of many years of my life. Sometimes you're convinced something is real, truth, and you take it face-value. But when something is not green anymore, but blue, you cannot grasp it because its so insane. The normal has become the abnormal.

"Normalcy" is based on some previous stage in one's life, i.e. I was normal before I smoked pot. Therefore, can you be normal for the first time? The answer is no. You must be abnormal before you can be normal. You change before you notice the difference. It's a seemingly "common knowledge" type of concept, but dawned on me recently. One can only understand how something has affected themselves until he/she realizes it has. It's like the AA moto of admitting you have a problem before you can face the problem.

The title of my blog is a good one :)

Just a phase

2006-02-11T01:00:00.000-05:00

University is alot harder than I thought it was. I used to have a grasp on things, but now everything in life seems to be slipping away. As "emo" and depressing as it sounds, its true. I used to think I knew everything, I had the answers, I knew the way. My way seems blurred. Some say its life, and the spontaneous twists and turns are just a part of living.

My 'philosophy' of life is changing every day. I'm no longer grounded, but in the sky soaring to some imaginary place. Looking back, I'm repeating the same mistakes I did way back when, and it's frightening in some respects. I see people who do no work at all and ultimately getting higher marks then me, and the world just becomes one big blackhole, sucking me into the abyss. Its not a case of jealousy, but anger. Anger that isn't easily lost.

Just a phase? I suppose. Couldn't really tell you what kind of phase this is, of if/when it'll pass. Oh, the woes of this life.

Normal vs. Abnormal

2006-02-07T00:43:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching Donnie Darko with a friend. Everytime I watch that movie, more of it makes less sense; symbolic subjects of deep philosophical and mental enquiry that consume the viewer. There's a real sympathetic undertone to the main character, Donald. He's mentally ill, and his condition seems to worsen over time. Understandably, his closest advisors haven't gotten a clue as to what is going on, and in cases like this is near impossible. You can diagnose, treat, and observe a person, but to really get inside their head is to absorb their woes.

Everyone has some sort of mental abnormality - whether its ADD, or hallucinations. Drugs are commonly used to treat such instances, but only numb the patient to a state of 'living without living'. I understand that my attitudes are a result of mental problems, or vice versa, but to change that is to become someone else. After all, we only really have our expansive minds that act as a guide. So then, how do we change ourselves without losing ourselves in the process? Brainwashing and reprogramming changes a person beyond recognition. Drugs only hide problems. Change from within may actually be harmful if what we think is right, isn't.

I'd like to say I've changed alot, but I've just been humming along for the past years not really knowing what the hell is going on. I still am for the most part ignorant to much of the world: I have an idea of how the world is, and how it should be, but those opinions are loosely rooted in my attitudes, which are based on the mental problems. So then, does 'normal' root from the 'abnormal'? Is there one big cycle of constantly assimilating and distancing oneself?

Perhaps there really isn't a true normal person, but an ideal that was once conceptialized as a result of someone's abnormalities.

Some Songs Just Reach Ya'

2006-01-24T02:50:00.000-05:00

When I was young I was the nicest guy I knew
I thought I was the chosen one
But time went by and I found out a thing or two
My shine wore off as time wore on
I thought that I was living out the perfect life
But in the lonely hours when the truth begins to bite
I thought about the times when I turned my back & stalled

I ain't no nice guy after all

When I was young I was the only game in town
I thought I had it down for sure,
But time went by and I was lost in what I found
The reasons blurred, the way unsure
I thought that I was living life the only way
But as I saw that life was more than day to day
I turned around, I read the writing on the wall

I ain't no nice guy after all
I ain't no nice guy after all

In all the years you spend between your birth and death
You find there's lots of times you should have saved your breath
It comes as quite a shock when that trip leads to fall

Living Life Passionately Involves WORK

2006-01-22T18:02:00.000-05:00

One can't help to become depressed when they take a good look at the world. The atrocities, current and past are just mind numbing. There's just such an expanse of negative things in the world they overshadow the good.

I'm finding it more difficult to see those positive things that people brag about. Then again, those things are usually models in bikinis. Ironically, people flock to such images and embrace them without a shred of guilt. They don't see past the fake magazine, with the fake photographs, and the society that runs on morally unsound values. I may seem pessimistic, but there's such a lack of investigation done in today's world. People accept everything for face value it seems.

The problem I have is where do you draw the line between over analysis, and passionately living life. Can you be over-critical all the time, or do you miss key things? My mind can only be focused on one thing at any given moment, and if its trying to see the plot behind the plot, then I miss the entire picture entirely. I got to train myself to use such analysis in the proper times.

Until the next time: recycle, turn off unused lights, and don't waste!

Montreal New Year's Bash

2006-01-01T16:16:00.000-05:00

this New Years was one to remember.

At the very last minute, I was informed that me and a few buddies were going to drive up to Montreal. So we did. The rest is history - one of the greatest and worst nights of my life.

Boring Monkey

2005-12-27T23:19:00.000-05:00

King Kong: a visually stunning sedative.

Peter Jackson (think Lord of the Rings) directed this adaptation of the book, and subsequent remake of the original. His flaw, in my opinion, lies in his inability to build a 'romantic relationship' in his movies. He failed miserably at it in Lord of The Rings, and here it was equally bad. The movie had all the 'bells and whistles' of his previous Oscar winners, but lacked character development. The gorilla took on human-like qualities which further made my eyes roll, and stomach churn. I wish Jackson would do more than just book adaptations, and create some original material - It seems like a waste really.

Take Apart, Observe, Conclude

2005-12-16T20:38:00.000-05:00

I've always loved computers, and "technology" (think 'Technocracy'). They're symbolic of our advancements in the fields of science, the arts, and so on. Basic logicical rules govern these machines (1/0; true/false), but accomplish seemingly infinite numbers of complex tasks. The problem is, with so many variables/tasks introduced, alot of shit can go wrong (to be blunt, if I may) . Sure, through trial and error you can isolate a certain case, but then your 'repairs' are only temporary in many cases.

So then, what happens when technology works against the grain, and makes your life a living Hell? You either scrap it and go back to the primitive (Ode to Soulfly) or choose alternatives, or you attempt to work around any problems. The latter usually involves more frustration, and time; accomplishing the task could've been done other ways more efficently.

People it seems, possess an inherent nature to fix things that go wrong. What we lack isn't the knowledge of how to fix things that have gone haywire, but a strong foundation in rational thinking. For instance, if a lamp suddenly went out, you could take it apart and analyze what makes the light work in the first place. You can rationalize, deduct, and conclude basic principles of operation without having a knowledge of electrical currents, wiring, etc. You'd lack the 'proper' terms to describe what you're observing, but you'd get it. The problem with this is, as seen in early Greeks, the conclusions made can be false.

I applied the above methodolgy to laggy XviD playback on my computer, and I still have not gotten an answer. Computers often plague my thoughts, and fill my head with increased stress. Its okay though, I enjoy finding the solutions *insert Geek stereotype here* . But yes, the movie playback is not working, even though it was 3 days ago. I've tried installing the proper codecs (both ffdshow & XviD), uninstalling them all, different media players, Google searching, etc., and no luck! I fixed it (sort of) by lowering the resolution of my monitor to 640 x 480 @ 60Hz, but that still produces anomalies within the decoded file itself (TV-like scan lines, and interlacing).

Technology only makes life more complicated, and people less functional. Hell, they increase our life expentancy by taking away its very essence: productivity.

Mental Rearrangement

2005-12-15T17:44:00.000-05:00

With exams being over, and I eagerly await my final marks, the next 2 weeks will consists of lazying around doing fuckall - Or maybe fun, excitement, and the answer to the "meaning of life".

I saw a friend last night, one which I hadn't seen in approx. 4 months. We had a great time catching up on whatever. It's interesting to find how much people change in such a short time, but there's always an underlying aspect of them that is easily tractable. People are in a state of constant change, but what was, can be again (i.e. a depressed person becoming "happy" again). The ability of a (person's) personality to adapt, change, and rearrange itself is wonderful. Its almost like we're constantly lying to ourselves, acting randomly based on a set of core internal values; keeping in check with these values once we stray. Sure, I could go on a big psychology and sociology rampage, but I prefer to keep things simple since I don't know much about that stuff.

One negative aspect of the human mind/body is attachment. I mean, my blog is now attracting people that are friends of a friend, who I said 'adios' to awhile ago. Obviously there's some sort of attachment there. But be that as it may, I gave up on the naive emotions that one possesses for others (not everyone of course, I'm not that apathetic). They only mess with your personality and psyche until you're in a mental prison that you don't even know exists. I'd like to blame it on today's values and society, but I don't know why there's such a superficial want for attachment, or if 'blaming' it on that is correct at all.

Too many kids are getting involved with the wrong people, too soon. The other day I found out that a girl who goes to my old highschool, was photographed preforming oral sex. The action in itself can be analyzed from loads of angles: "Why was an underrage girl doing that?" "Why were pictures taken at all?" "Aren't such pictures illegal?", etc. I find it both sad and pathetic. Sad in the sense that she commits herself to such acts, and pathetic because she was exposed so wrongly by her abusers. The scenario of being used by a man isn't uncommon in these parts, and is only becoming more a problem. Who is to blame? Parents, the media, the childeren themselves? That's another big question that I couldn't even begin to answer.

Someday things will be better. Big Brother is watching you.

Almost free...

2005-12-09T23:56:00.000-05:00

I'm almost free from the bondage of an education system that is self-destructing. One more exam to go, baby - GO PHILOSOPHY101.

I murdered my Sociology exam today, and hope that my "hypothesis" on Danish resistance during WW2 is enough to get full marks. My schedule was clumped together in so that my exams would be over by tommorow; very early I might add, some people are here until the 22nd. Ultimately its better this way, but just a tad stressful.

Going home is going to produce lazy results, but I need a few days to catch up on much needed sleep. I was just about to crack today after my 2.5 hour exam, the sleep deprivation was creeping up on my nerves. After a 6 hour "nap" I'm ready to go!

This term proved more beneficial than any time in my life thus far, it taught me more about myself than I've digested yet. Whether it be: time management, or living amongst the ducks near the pond, progress was made in the search for ultimate meaning.

Pesky People

2005-12-06T10:54:00.000-05:00

There's heaps of people to piss me off, incredibly! Some people 'just gotta go away'; especially in University. I mean, my house is great, and I couldn't ask for a better bunch of lads, but other than that, the people here, blow. Although I'm an introvert, I am this way because it takes simply too much effort to socialize with other people. Keeping up a mundane conversation with someone you don't even like to begin with is quite difficult. There's a very few people I'll ask talk to, and pay attention to. The rest are just there on the side, just inanimate objects to my 'mind's eye'.

I got roughly 82% final for ENVS195. This is amazing considering the final fell on an awful week, and I only got a 70 on that - There was just no time to study. I'm overly disappointed, but there was nothing I could do really. I'm going to be getting my final mark for geography tommorow, which should be fairly decent as well.

Anyways, this first time was just a bite of the University pie. Atleast now, I understand better of the nature of the time that's required to get say, a ninety.

Democracy

2005-12-05T04:24:00.000-05:00

Does democracy work? Fuck no. Take a stroll any downtown district of a 'booming' city in the USA or Canada. The separation of man, woman, white, black, bum, rich. Stratification is the demon in such a society. It alienates people from eachother, and themselves. People work to fulfill superficial ideals and goals that benefit no one. The environment degrades daily because of it. People fall further into the debt hole to support the lifestyle from Hell.

If we were in a 'true' communist setting, none of this would happen. No poor on the streets, no stupid tyrants telling us what to do. The quality of life is a reflection of a state's leader. Look at Canada: no organization, chaos, and preemptive hate.

Shit, if only primitive living met technology, we'd be in heaven, man.

Exam Prep. START; Laziness END; null

2005-12-04T19:01:00.000-05:00

Teeheehee. Exams are coming up this week; 8,9,10. I have to study massive amounts of ERS journals, Sociology texts, and Platonic dialogues. Life is so very hard.

There's been absolutely nothing going on, I just awoke from a 12 hour slumber, and felt incredible! I cannot wait to go home though, on the 11th. Thanks jeebus for a quick and painless exam schedule.

Now, back to "Political Ecology".

Theory Of Different Realms

2005-11-22T03:21:00.000-05:00

Lets pretend that there are different levels, or realms of the mind; Like the steepness of a cliff. In each different realm dwells a level of consciousness or mental capacity linked to a different aspect of life: the mathematician, artist, musician, etc. Each person operates on a different plane. Some people like Jimi Hendrix or Eric Clapton may be in the musician's realm, or Janis Joplin in the 'I consume mass amounts of whiskey' realm.

Through the usage of drugs, meditation or other conscious altering substances/acitivities, we are able to have but a taste of these different places, if only for a split second of 'mental' time (which could be eternity, depending how you look at it). It is then possible to switch and stay in these different mental dwellings depending on how well you're able to comprehend, and 'take in' the new perspectives.

This idea made so much more sense in my head. Oh well, make of it what you will.
________________________________

School is getting intense, and fast-paced now. I like it! It keeps me doing something instead of lazying around, or blogging constantly. I'm finally picking up some slack in Geography, got an 88% on my test, which is very nice as 75% of the people in the class are hovering around the low 60s. I'm eager to see what I got on my ERS report, and ENVS195 essays which was on coffee and its effects on the environment (Wrote that in 2 days only).

I've got an essay due next week for Philosophy on 'Democracy' which should be a beast, and quite interesting. Also in that week, I have my final Environmental Studies 'exam' & tutorial presentation, Geography quiz, Socoiology presentation, and ERS media exam. Boy, oh boy. Following this and next week, I have 3 finals too! My record is 5 days with 6 hrs sleep, I wonder how far I can push it this time.

I'll be sure to party this weekend for sure! then its back home on the 11th to do nothing, most likely. There's alot of people back home, but there's just so little to do these days. I'd rather stay here, you can always find a good time, or person to converse with.

The Big Sleep

2005-11-17T13:06:00.000-05:00

I just finished my term report for my environmental studies class, and boy was it fun. 3000 words, and 22 pages later I'm utterly exhausted. I've slept 12 hours in 3 days, which is excellent overall, but not in 4 hours stints. Another essay due today on the environmental effects of coffee production. I figured the topic was going to be interesting since I don't really know much background about it, and it kind of is.

I'm looking forward to the weekend when I can go home, sleep, and forget about studying for awhile (like that'll happen!).

Gah, I've been so busy - Atleast I'm done exams on the 10th.

2005-11-13T14:20:00.000-05:00

"I'm not the one who's so far away
When I feel the snake bite enter my veins.
Never did I wanna be here again,
And I don't remember why I came."
Candles raise my desire,
Why I'm so far away.
No more meaning to my life,
No more reason to stay.
Freezing, feeling,Breathe in, breathe in...
I'm coming back again...
[repeat chorus]
Hazing clouds rain on my head,
Empty thoughts fill my ears.
Find my shade by the moonlight,
Why my thoughts aren't so clear.
Demons dreaming,
Breathe in, breathe in...
I'm coming back again...
[repeat chorus 4 times]
Voodoo, voodoo, voodoo, voodoo.
[repeat]
So far away...I
'm not the one who's so far away...
I'm not the one who's so far away...
I'm not the one who's so far away...

The acceptance of shortcomings

2005-11-09T10:27:00.000-05:00

As I progress in University, the awareness of being failure is omnipresent. I've yet to get the holy grail, a "perfect" grade, and don't think I will anytime soon. Some things, like lower standards, have to be accepted, and perhaps embraced.

I don't think we learn through our shortcomings, but perhaps the "cause & effect" of them; that is, where/why we fell short. Instead of it being defined as an end, we must understand the means. People usually say, 'we learn from our mistakes', but usually this entails understanding you screwed up in concept X, in the region of variable Y, and indicator Z told us so. So, logic would dictate that the combination of the X,Y,Z isn't good for us, but usually we don't question why?

There's some really good people here, but the field of education definitely isn't going to be my trade when I'm older; that is to say a teacher. Then again, 13% (approx.) of Uni. students become teachers, or some crazy number like that. Drink, be merry, and make sure you forget your Friday nights.

People (Suck; In general)

2005-11-04T00:17:00.000-05:00

Many people are usually boring, self-centered, and completely useless to me. On the other hand, everyone is unique and special in their own way but these qualities tend to shine. Conformity is probably to blame, or the idea of the "looking-glass self" (yay go SOC101). Everyone tries to fit in somewhere into a given social environment, I guess that's natural and absolutely true for all cases. Some will quiver in the corner (like me), other will take to the podium and preach their word over a microphone. I know where I stand, the strange person who has sarcastic outbursts of nothingness.

People should just go away. Not all of them.

Moronity - The new disease

2005-10-22T02:54:00.000-04:00

I think when we meet people, there's a certain amount of time we give them that allows us to judge their character. For me, first impressions aren't too much of a big deal. I usually give a person a few weeks, or meetings, depending on the situation.

From past experience this methodology hasn't worked; people are random, and thus never cease to amaze me. As soon as you think you've found a decent, fun-loving person whom shares somewhat of a common interest (in something), they turn out to be the opposite. I guess that's the stoichasisity of human behaviour, and its really disappointing.

The journey of self-discovery, and most important realization of one's place in the scheme of things is an infinite trip. The more you search, the less you find. Perhaps the very essence of the journey is pointless.

To be blunt, people suck big time. You can't trust a single soul out there, they're all selfish. The big question on my mind sometimes, is the idea of death. Why do some people die, while others (like horny, mindless teenagers) continue to live? All they do is drive the machine of a superficial society, rooted in nothing but the false.

Perhaps I'm hypocritical, cynical, or overly pessimistic? Oh well, life is a mess of crap.

Midterms

2005-10-19T18:33:00.000-04:00

To be blunt: I'm in an easy program. Easy compared to say an engineer. I practically have Monday, Wednesday, and Friday off. The only homework I have is reading a few chapters a night, or reviewing a Powerpoint slide. So for me, midterms are going to be a breeze; minus sociology, with its 15 chapters of bullshit. Being an avid fishermen (not as much as I want to be), the outdoors have always fascinated me. From the complex ecosystem of aquatic life, to the shameless destruction of an organism's habitat - it's all thought-provoking and interesting.

I'm discussing this because many of the people I've talked to are confused with their choice of program. I've been down that road before, but it seems a bit too late to be confused about what you're doing in life. That's just my opinion on that. We all have goals, or commitments; some outlandishly distant, others seemingly close. For instance, my current goals are to get decent grades this year. It's relatively easy to attain, and something I know I'll do.

Even now, at mid-term, University is intimidating and due dates are terrifying. But, first year, I'm not expecting 100% in all my courses, and I'll have to accept defeat. It's how I'm going to improve on my weaknesses this year, so next I'll be even better.

People and Lies

2005-10-18T11:29:00.000-04:00

Some people are just plain nustso. I don't know how some people can weave, and contrive their plots of evil - the mere complexity and absurdity of them is enough to make me go crazy.

I don't know whats worse: someone who's obsessed with something/someone, someone who can't take a hint. Obsession drives people to incredible lengths, and they do some pretty stupid shit. I don't know if I've been obsessed, but maybe more concerned with the "negative". The negative being, not having a particular thing. Perhaps, I was obsessed with not having something. Then again, when I don't have something I give it up after a certain time.

People tend to weave fallacy about me, their opinions of me are often over exaggerated, or complete bullshit. I'm often called an asshole, and cocky, among other things. Usually I don't say anything, or when I do its sarcastic banter. That isn't to say that the things people say are entirely false; everyone has their spectrum of definable moments that people slap labels on. I've given up trying to defend my view, as long as I know what the truth is, it's fine with me.

It seems that the contrast in the worlds: the one I grew up in, and the one I'm in now. University, and city life are entirely different. City life is alot more laid back, more ignorant, and carefree. People sit around, talk about pretty much nothing, and are content with that. I mean, there's nothing wrong with this, but it gets a bit boring after awhile. On the other hand, the University experience is one of "educated fun", where people work their asses off then enjoy the simple things. Partying is still a large part, but its more personal since everyone here are part of the same community. I still hang out with people around residence, but its a different experience, a different vibe. We're not really friends, but we're not strangers.

It seems like everytime I talk to someone, 4 more people hate me because of their contrived views. I've learned to not give a shit anymore. The people here love me, and I them. When a 23 year old, 5th year student tells me that "I'm a great person", anything a 19 year old pot smoker said about me goes out the window.

Alas, I know particular people read this blog, and eventually whatever I say on here will make it back to everyone in the form of lies. It gets boring, harass someone else. I also know that saying to harass someone else will only make them do it more, whatever, I don't give a shit anymore.

Nothing gained.

2005-10-15T17:54:00.000-04:00

I think the entire University community really lacks an underlying principle: connection. The concept of being here, in the same boat if you will, all students, hasn't really been grasped. Everyone still does their own thing, alienation amongst certain groups of people still exists.

I guess such a precise form of education doesn't give you the oppritunity for R&R amongst friends. Perhaps its simply a place to learn the tools of the trade, being knowledge. Then again, as biased as it is, there's nothing really learnt. Everything is force fed here. Read a textbook, learn that material, get tested on that material. It's all too exact, too one-sided.

Protagorific!

2005-10-13T16:44:00.000-04:00

After reading Protagoras by Plato, I've come to a conclusion that I often come to: I'm ignorant to the fact that I think I know what I want. Sometimes my intuition tells me that what I'm doing is the right thing, but more often than not I just feel regret in the end. This regret I feel has been haunting me for months now, and it's not going to cease now. Its not so much regret in-connection with other people, but more myself. I've done many things that I regret doing, and it's completely my fault. I didn't stop to think of what was going on, but rode the wave out; a common practice in North America.

Perhaps then I should take some time, like Socrates, to rationalize a bit more, and ultimately choose the best suited path. The difficult part is, that the "right" or "wrong" path cannot be known, unless you're able to discern each of these terms. This type of idea was evident in Plato's writing of Protagoras, and I'm grateful he wrote it, o-so-many years ago.

Being virtuous, or simply being a good person is a difficult topic. I don't think you can tell someone how to behave accordingly, for then their lives will be a mere formula: open a door, say please, say thank you. You have to feel the need, the hunger if you will, to be good; inside and out. The mind has a wicked ability in deception. Then, even if you knew how to be good, the mind will always be a stumbling block on the "good path". I believe a moderation of good and bad is better than being always good. Without faults, and mistake you wouldn't be able to grow in the knowledge of the good/bad. Without the ability to grow in knowledge any person would be rendered useless, a mere repetitious robot.

Plato is fun to read, although his dialogue Protagoras is not one of my favourites; it's incomplete, disjointed, and seems to lack cohersion. Then again, I'm just an amateur in the ways of the philosopher, so what the hell do I know

: )

Lies; I speak none

2005-10-12T15:46:00.000-04:00

I will not lie to you, University is difficult. Perhaps the most difficult thing I've yet to encounter. It's not so much the school work as is it the new surroundings, situations, and people. An entirely new environment, unlike anything I've seen in a metropolitan city. There's more greenspace here then all of Toronto, and that's somewhat sad. I miss the "concrete jungle", it is familiar to me, it is home.

The ability to adapt though is incredible. I have such a terrible routine, whether its eating or sleeping, and I still function like normal. Quite amazing.

2005-10-04T23:57:00.000-04:00

As the University experience sinks deeper into my (sub)consciousness, I can't help but wonder what I've been missing all this time. The people, the environment, the knowledge! The more I learn in each class, the more I realize how interconnected everything really is.

It really makes my head spin how something in a sociology class relates to ecology. I knew there were connections, but it's getting scary how many there really are!

Wow, I've lost the gift of spontaneous prose! and there's so much to tell...

Time Management

2005-10-01T23:53:00.000-04:00

University is quite an experience.

There's alot of reading, and it's crucial to stay on top of things.

The end.

(Anti) Social - ism

2005-09-28T00:23:00.000-04:00

I've been shy since I can remember, and such a developed "gift" hasn't let up any since I've come to University. The whole University "experience" is supposed to open one up, expand their minds to other individuals who share similar ambitions, and more of that wish-wash. I haven't really met anybody that has opened my eyes, moreso people who close them with their boring parades of bullshit.

Like anything organized, education is a pinnacle of design, and precision. Perfect course outlines, insane professors, monster sized classrooms - intimidation. Is this really an institution to learn, and expand your mind? Is reading powerpoint slide from a projector really the best education possible?

I could have easily picked up a book printed before computer technology was available, and attained the same knowledge. Then why am I attending post-secondary schooling? Sure, there's a (subconscious) hunger for knowledge in chewable pieces, but in the back of my mind materialism is poking its ugly head. The world is made up of statistics; Being a University graduate is just another statistic. You make more money, get a better job, the list goes on.

I never really cared for money, but then I never really needed it, or had access to large amounts of it. Now that I have a little bit of cash to spare, I see how quickly it gets pissed away, and how little use it actually does. The western world is a series of debit machines, and cash registers. Its a depressing thought, but it's just an extension of any "old" society, just updated technology.

Maybe I should stop being so cynical, and pessimistic, and just open up to oppritunities. In such a crappy world, I find it extremely difficult to praise anything. Even the very act of saying sorry to somebody, if I bump into them by mistake, is questionable. Am I sorry, or am I just saying what they want to hear?

Girls (or guys for that matter) don't interest me, I'm not looking for a new best-friend, I'm just thumbing my way along the highway of Hell. Friends? What the hell are those things? Relationships go down the drain before you have time fabricate a thought.

The pinnacle of education?

2005-09-21T10:07:00.000-04:00

If this place is the "it" of education, I think we're in trouble. It's nice here, but the way in which things work is very inefficent, messy, and full of holes. They spend money like its nothing, the professors ramble on about everything else BUT the course at hand.

University is a great experience none the less, and the people here are incredible. Some of them anyways. The work isn't bad (I've only had reading to do), and the courses are fairly interesting. Sociology is pretty lame, as racism and gay rights keep popping up every other paragraph. I know they're both hot tickets in today's superficial society, but give it a rest now. I'm tired of people playing these cards any chance they can, using them as an excuse.

Look at New Orleans. All they do is moan and bitch about President Bush being a racist, and how he "forgot" about them. They should pick up their lives and do something for christ sakes, going on television and denouncing the leader of your country isn't doing something. I don't know what they expected, Mr. Bush to come down in a plane and take everyone to his ranch perhaps? The area was, and still is to a degree a "hot zone". There was a mass exodus (of sorts), and these people expect a fix in a week.

I'm no racist, but I'm getting tired of people hating on the white folks. Sure we did that during the "cotton picking" days but shit, that was more than a hundred years ago. Get over it! If I went on national television and called Sharpton (black political leader, first that came to mind) a racist, we'd all be on trouble; another Rodney King riot. Quite ironic.

University Cometh.

2005-09-04T18:42:00.000-04:00

It's finally time to leave for University. In short, I'm anxious. I hope it will be as good as people have said.

I'll update this blog as much as I can. School work is definitely more important.

Take care mates.

Just Maybe (not)... It'll work out

2005-09-01T02:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life does infact throw you a curve ball, and you take a swing, you either hit it, or miss. Missing it allows you to learn a lesson, and gain some more insight into something - tough love, and the idea of meeting defeat. When you hit the ball, life flies by, you don't take in what is nessasary, you're void of the real picture. It seems like everyone is hitting balls these days. I was for awhile, young, dumb, and in-love, or what I thought was love, since attraction usually requires both parties (male and female in my case). Ultimately, I was in a routine of hitting and missing, I saw the light, but it was behind a shady tree.

I suppose that my poor judge of character, naive nature, and overall immaturity is to blame. Perhaps I did infact play the cards right, but there was a burp in nature's way of things. I'm just really tired of being hurt all the time. Then again, I bring it on myself, I get too attached to things I shouldn't be attached to.

Heaven

2005-08-31T02:33:00.000-04:00

So, I was laying in bed last night thinking about some random shit (like always), and I came to a startling conclusion: we sin because of our 5 senses. Maybe it's amateur of me to say this, but it's true. Why else do we make fun of others? because of their appearence, or the way they sound perhaps. We curse God because we can hear. We steal because we have hands.

No wonder Heaven isn't a physical dwelling, but only a state of mind. Eternity, where everyone you'll ever meet is already waiting for you, while they wait for you. Time has no place in Heaven, its a forever state of being - Eternity.

I am a proud Christian, I believe in God, Heaven, and Jesus Christ. Those who don't, I pray for your souls. Evolution never took place, I'm sorry to tell you.

Twas' a good night tonight, went downtown with some friends, drank some beers, shared some laughs. I thoroughly love life.

People are...

2005-08-29T20:37:00.000-04:00

worthless.

Life is short and brutish.

Perhaps one day I'll really take in what has happened over the years, and come to some sort of monumental conclusion about my life. The people I've known, places I've been - all that crap. It seems that whenever I get close to somebody, they leave, and I'm left "alone in the dark". It ususally ends up being my fault, but in reality, there is no just cause, just lies and the like. This is what I mean when I talk about "monumental conclusion", perhaps all of these things are part of something bigger. Sure, that something is "Life", but beyond that, there is definitely something more.

I'm a poor judge of character, so naturally people tend to get the best of me. Although it benefits them, it doesn't harm me, but leaves a bad taste in my mouth for awhile. The teenage years have brought rumours, lies, and friendship at such a price; these years tend to do that to most people anyways. I really don't know who to trust, or what is the truth anymore. It's like being in a constant state of subconscious paranoia.

I know I'm real (I'm not talking about the physical sense, but in the way I present myself), and as much as I try to trust others, I can't. Relationships around here revolve around drugs, booze, and/or partying - There's no intimate level to them. That's what my problem is, I want something more than just a person who can handle beer. And society tells you that a girlfriend or boyfriend is the answer, they're someone who you're expected to open up to. I wish it were that simple, I wish there was someone out there whom I'd even consider dating. How can you date someone, when you can't commit in the first place? It's not fear, its being cautious and selective, perhaps too selective.

What a night.

2005-08-28T10:35:00.000-04:00

I've barely slept in the last 2 days, I'm not really tired today. Went to a get together last night, probably the last one in my area, probably the last time I'll see a bunch of people. Almost got in a fight with a local DJ/Gino, I told him not to play around with my friend. I love intimidating people, even though I'm probably the weakest person ever. I know how people work, and what will make them tick. I'm cocky like that.

So, 12 beers later, I was feeling quite toasty, and probably acting like a wad, but that's okay. I'm really surprised too, I've never puked from alcohol consumption, and I'm seldom hungover. I haven't puked much ever really, a few times from the odd dish. Tomatoes used to irritate my stomach, not anymore though.

University is around the corner, and I'm a little excited but the whole party scene is getting a bit much for me now. I'm not one to complain about hanging out, and having a "good"(if you define drunken stupour as a good time) time with friends. I know I can't blow it though, to be honest, I just want to make my dad proud. Just coming home one day with my degree, and showing my dad would surely ignite a spark in both of our lives.

So, I'm still single, still anti-social, still me. Sure, I question life, and the fundamental laws of it, but things are starting to make sense. Well not a whole lot, but often I have those "holy-moments of complete knowledge". There's very few people I like enough to date, but that was once upon a time, now those pipe-dreams are gone. Relationships aren't that important, but I need someone. Being lonely is really harsh. I've realized that I can't expect others to want the same things as me, and I won't ever find someone else who is like me. I've come close, but no dice.

Mother Nature Is Gone

2005-08-27T00:15:00.000-04:00

What I've wanted, what I've gotten, and what was realisticly needed is something I seem to battle with. I expect incredible amounts of things (i.e time, respect, conversation, etc.) out of people, and this expectation is never met. For instance, I expect someone to be totally into a conversation I'm having with them, and when they aren't, I feel shunned, and disrespected. But realisticly, is the conversation interesting, appealing, or at the least beneficial to either party? Things like this baffle me sometimes, and cause great anxiety and stress. I'm by no means a laid-back person anymore, and I'm not sure when or why this changed. It's adaptation and evolution, change.

Change, in itself is a complicated topic. Is it constant? Is it chaotic? Is there a real benefit? Topics like these are a real pain-in-the-ass to debate, or even discuss. Also, I'm in no capacity to debate/discuss them anyways.

So school is starting soon, and summer is over. Where has mother nature gone?

Exploration; null

2005-08-19T23:45:00.000-04:00

I have the sudden urge to do some exploring. Anywhere in fact, just to get out, and find something new. I doubt I'll go anywhere out of the ordinary though, but I'm sure to meet some sort of new adventure.

Maybe I need to get lost in Tolkien, or some Hemingway. Then again, that'll just make me feel more bored with my current life. Hemingway always does that to me.

Requirements

2005-08-18T19:21:00.000-04:00

So I didn't get into the UW Blogger posistion that I had applied for. I'm a bit disappointed, but there's really nothing I can do, and I'll be sure to keep this blog updated on my University adventures (or lack thereof). The blogs from last year were terribly boring, and I don't think I met the criteria because I am just too damn good! But seriously, the blogs were total shit. They didn't fulfill their purpose: to inform, and keep others updated on their University experience. They updated once a month, if that, and it was usually filled with overly sarcastic ramble. Rather than criticize them to hell, which I'd love to do, I'll just accept defeat. I was sure I was worthy of the job, damnation.

In less than 4 weeks I'll have already packed, left, and moved into my residence. Hopefully I'll stay there the whole 8 months (both school terms), and come back with a report card that I'm proud to show others. In those 8 months, and after I'll have lost touch with many of my current partners in crime, some forever, others hopefully temporarily. Grades were always satisfying in school, except of course for the late high-school math courses which I didn't have the patience for. I have a definite blind-spot for math, and it definitely stems from the lack of interest in such topics. I mean, we solve variables, and apply formulae based on a strict set of rules - boring! I'd rather contemplate the meaning of life (literally) than that shit. Math is an asset, and has no doubt propelled mankind, and technology beyond our wildest dreams, but I'll let someone else solve the human genome.

Sometimes I wish life would slow down, so I could just have one more go at something. But according to the laws of physics, time travel is theoretically possible. So, like the angsty girl that I am, acceptance is the only path to salvation.

John Denver - Different Directions

2005-08-17T04:28:00.000-04:00

They say they love each other
I’ve no doubt they do
They say they’ll always be together
That may not be true

They come from different places
Different points of view
They find themselves in different spaces
Everything is all brand new

Two different directions
Too many different ways
One always on the road somewhere
The other one always stays
Too often unhappy
Too often on your own
When you are moving in different directions
True love is all alone

Old stories start to surface
Patterns from long ago
And loving quickly turns to anger
For reasons they don’t even know
The strongest heart can be broken
With one insensitive word
The deepest feelings remain unspoken

No one is seen and nothing heard
Two different directions
Too many different ways
One always wants to work things out
The other one wants to play
To ready for changes
To much that just can’t wait
When you are moving in different directions
True love can turn to hate

If opposites attract each other
What’s the reason for
One being like an open window
One just like a closing door

Two different directions
Two many different ways
One likes to see the morning sunrise
The other one sleeps in late
To many tomorrows
To many times too late
When you are moving in different directions
True love may have to wait
If you are committed to different directions
True love will have to wait

Octavarium: Amen

2005-08-16T14:49:00.000-04:00

"Octavarium" by Dream Theater is the best album of this year - the end. This group has to be one of the tightest sounding since Led Zeppelin. Every instrument has its share of time in the grand scheme, that is each song. They're progressive rock, so think Pink Floyd with John Pertucci on guitar. He's probably one of the top 2 guitarists right now, next to Zakk Wylde of course.

There's a mix of songs on here, from the Pink Floyd induced "These Walls" (listen to the ending, its got the heartbeats, complete with a clock ticking) to the new teen angst driven anthem "Answer Lies Within". The ~24 minute album-titled track "Octavarium" is a beast, and a trip down the "Prog-Rock river". You need to lie, cheat and/or steal you way to this album!

So University is coming up soon, I'm not excited, a bit anxious perhaps. I can't believe it is the 16th of August already, summer has really been a blur, and by blur I mean a waste. The whole "Frosh-Party-omg!1~1!1!! week" would under normal circumstances arouse some great excitement in me, but I'm finding the whole teenage intoxication game a bit dull. Then again, once I'm there my attitude will proably change.

Summer; Gone With The Wind.

2005-08-13T03:11:00.000-04:00

Summer came fast, and has ended fast. I've done pretty much nothing, and it's a bit disappointing. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing though. Should I be wondering forests, camping, getting shitfaced, etc.?

That's a westerner's problem I suppose, we have no motiviation, no goals. Take African farmers, they have something they need to do - survive! Our culture has made death a joke, something to be smoked away or preserved with nanomachines.

I wish I did something constructive for summer. I mean, I hung out, just I feel empty somehow, like there's alot missing. Maybe I need to relax, maybe I need a life, maybe I need somebody to really open up and talk to. This is probably going to be the last summer of being a silly teenager, coming up is University, and its all uphill from there. I definitely wasted my summer, and my mind.

I suppose I am pretty lonely, as I don't have any close friends to open up to. It's definitely my nature that makes it this way, I'm introverted and boring. These drugs make me so depressed, make me feel like shit. I really need to hibernate for a few days, get my mind together.

Bottleneck In The Search For Meaning?

2005-08-11T21:32:00.000-04:00

Proctrastination - perhaps man's greatest enemy. An idle mind has the capacity to do many things, both good and bad. Then is an idle mind/body defeating man's purpose? If we were to use Plato as a guide, then I am a being in search of meaning, wandering through thoughts and experiences.

Perhaps I am ultimately an entity looking for meaning, but isn't everyone doing the same? Therefore, can we really find meaning in this life?

Mythological Peak Of Being

2005-08-10T01:02:00.000-04:00

There's a point in interaction with others that all notions go 'out the window'. You're at a peace, a harmony with yourself, others, and your surroundings. Nothing else matters but the "holy moment", a time and place that seems to exist only in myth, and fallacy. Irrational behaviour may take over your body during this interval, but consquences do not matter, for you and others are one. Such a feeling or situation is evident at a concert, or a party. Everyone is there for some common goal, and nothing will stop everyone from climbing their invisible mountain to achieve it. The goal in question is still a mystery to me.

I'm not sure what brings on this feeling or situation, perhaps the energy of those around you (if you believe in that sort of thing) creates a sort of equilibrium, a sort of being. Being is something that is quite hard to describe, and even harder to really grasp. The here and now can be describe as being, but being can be said as a topic that cannot be grasped. I believe its a mix of the two, it's one of those "things" that must be experienced, like the paradoxial idea of love, or reality. To me, being goes hand in hand with reality, and with that, (neo)Platonic thought. I'm far from a philosophy major, or anyone with a real stance on subjects such as Being/Reality, but Im a conscious being who has experienced reality.

Reality is multi-layered to me, there's different levels of it, and I'm still trying to put it together. Only under the influence of something can one really step outside of himself, and see things in a new light. There's obvious limitations to a sober/awake psyche, and once they are surpassed, that's when you really experience reality.

I've had events played back to me, by me, in my head, and they weren't in the first-person, but the third. This type of occurance has rocked my world, changed my stance on this seemingly bleak world we live in. I'm certain I wouldn't have experienced this new found perception without the help of something. A big problem though is that since I was under the influence of something, I can't be sure that what I've seen/felt/experienced is the truth. Perhaps the sober thought is the true realm, and the others are mere diversions that are always present in some deep-rooted subconscious realm.

Ray LaMontagne - Burn

2005-08-09T12:31:00.000-04:00

Oh mama don't walk away
I'm a goddam sore loser
I ain't too proud to stay
But I'm still thinking 'bout you
And I'm so lonesome without you
And I can't get you out of my mind
Oh mama don't leave me alone
with my soul sat down so tight it's like a stone cold tomb
Ain't it clear when I'm near you
I'm just dying to hear you
Calling my name one more time
Oh so don't pay no mind
To my watering eyes
Must be something in the air
That I'm breathing
Yes'n I try to ignore
All this blood on the floor
It's just this heart on my sleeve that's a bleeding
Oh mama don't walk away
You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain
Saying the love that we had
was just selfish and sad
To see you now with him
is just making me mad
Oh so kiss him again
just to prove to me that you can
an I will stand here
and burn in my skin
Yes I will stand here
and burn in my skin

Perverse Society

2005-08-07T22:01:00.000-04:00

Westernized societies, for the most part are obsessed with one's image. A friend of mine sent me a link, which was for a website that consisted of user created profiles. These profiles are then ranked, or voted on in terms of "hotness". I mean, appreciation of one's looks isn't bad, but when you have to pose half-naked in order to get points, something is definitely wrong.

What goes through these teenager's heads as they pose for these pictures? Is it all just fun and games? Is having your face plastered on websites, and/or saved on a stranger's computer safe? Security should definitely be a concern, especially in an age of technology where the internet can be used against you in violent, and dark ways. Even the topic of self-respect can be seen as inadmissable since there is obviously none. But I guess the best excuse is that its all "fun and games".

I'm not one to preach, but venting about the daily bullshit that I see in my surroundings is theraputic. And these naive morons looking to score some compliments from horny jocks is definitely bullshit.

Whatever happened to somebody appreciating life, being friendly, sharing their experiences, being happy? Everybody is hooked on sex, depressed, or looking to score a new pair of Nike's. Materialistic zombies get nowhere in life. You cannot put a cost on anything in life, that is worthwhile - A good friendship is priceless.

I'm single, stress-free, anxious for the future, and most importantly happy. Sure some things in my life need some changing, but for the most part, I'm where I want to be. I have a select group of friends, although I've learnt that one cannot rely on somebody else entirely. I go out when I want to go out, I talk when I want to talk, I'm a law abiding citizen who is harmless (although many laws I disagree with). I don't analyze people, nor do I care to, I'm a poor judge of character but could care less if I get fucked over in the end.

There's been hard times, but everything always turns out in the end, and I can't help but think that there's some universal order to things. I'm religious, although not as much as I'd like to be, but I believe in Creationism, and more importantly God. Any Darwin fanatic, or evolution fiend can argue me until dawn, but in the end can never prove me wrong, or right. My views on life have kept my head clear, my heart pure, and kept me on path when I have gone astray. That alone is invaluable to any fossil evidence of Evolution.

The Lamers

2005-08-07T02:21:00.000-04:00

I just finished watching The Dreamers and I must say: it was a trainwreck of a film. The nostalgic backdrop of a 1960's Paris, torn apart by revolution and the "social rights" movement appeared very promising. As the movie progressed, the setting seldom changed from a single room for many scenes. Then, incest, sex, and voyeurism took over and killed the movie's potential. Bernardo Bertolucci directed this film, so immediately I was drawn to it; his work on The Last Emperor left me speechless. But alas, I'm not sure what he was aiming for.

The movie is shot beautifully but is a bit repetitive, and the dialogue is a mixture of broken English, French, and "American" (since the main actor is from San Diego) English. The casting was pretty horrible as the actors didn't look older than 18, compared to the mature subject matter of the film. I was expecting a great movie about revolutionaries and friendship, which revolved around a well-written dialogue - None of these were present. The characters based their friendship around sexual favours aptly called "paying the forfeit", or doing seemingly mundane "tests" in order to win each other's acceptance.

There's a few stupid scenes which should have been immediately cut out, as they had to do with sex, and incest. They did not further the plot in anyway, and provided mere "shock" value. Oh yeah, I give this movie a 2.5/5, there's some excellent directing in this one.

I might just go pop in The Last Emperor, now that's a movie worthy of praise.

My brain hurts.

2005-08-04T12:37:00.000-04:00

I've been getting alot more headaches recently, and they're lasting alot longer than normal. It's probably due to my poor sleeping habits, or lack thereof. My body seems to ache sometimes, like its one big entity sighing constantly.

I was lying in bed the other night, and I had one of the clearest "revelations" in my life. Everything seemed to make perfect sense. My entire perception on things was skewed, things weren't just flat, they were round. It's very hard to explain, I'm not even sure words can. I've heard of this type of experience before, it's as if you've unlocked the door to the tree of knowledge. Too bad it goes away, and isn't permanent. Which brings me to an idea:

What if the way we see things, like colours, is completely different from everyone else? Say for instance I tell you that this text is Red, the red that you see, may really be the Blue that I see. A name for this "theory" might be the Assumption-Perception-Truth Theory, or APT.

I've got a month and a day until I leave for University, hopefully for a well-deserved 8 months away from home. I'm not scared, moreso anxious and disappointed. There's certain things I'm going to surely miss. People mainly, very few at that. People can wait though, and relationships that are worthwhile don't need constant update, there will always be a "connection". Wishful thinking I suppose, but that's how I feel about that.

Damned emotional attachment, damn you to hell.

Plugging My New Blog.

2005-07-27T03:36:00.000-04:00

My new venture. Unedited will consist of raw stories, usually short in nature, but may have multiple chapters. Add to your favourites, and please criticize.

Thanks a ton

my walls are coming down

2005-07-26T02:37:00.000-04:00

It seems like everything recently isn't going well. The rumours are quickly spreading like wild-fire, and they're just that: rumours. Lies, fake bullshit. I hope they haven't done too much damage, although I suspect alot more has been done.

:(

I hope my blog is angsty!

Life altering experiences

2005-07-22T02:50:00.000-04:00

It's amazing what some good bud, and a long conversation can do.

My outlook on everyday things has changed. Things aren't as straight edged as I once thought they were, but more curved, more entropatic (if that's even a word). Some say there's "order in chaos"; goddamn right there is. Life is chaotic, and I think the key is to sift through the bullshit, and come out clean on the other end (Shawshank Redemption).

Wishing, even hoping for something, or something to happen is grand, but too much of this wish-wash will cause you to burn out. I never really had any aspirations, life came and went. I thought about university, but it didn't occur to me as something of importance. You can call this foolish, ignorant, whatever, but when you're 17, growing up with the influences of Western culture on your back, education isn't something that's pushed upon you.

The turning point in my teenage years was when I stepped foot in a philosophy class. I had absolutely no idea who Plato was, Socrates, Kant, or even someone as important as Descartes. I mention Plato's cave alot, because I fear alot of people are in it, I certainly was. And as you get to the surface, the world doesn't seem so mundane, so boring. Philosophical enquiry opens your mind; further than any telescope can see, the mind's eye penetrates space and time.

I often wonder: why philosophy is so limited, and seemingly inaccessible in schools? Then it occurred to me that the school systems (fucked up as they are) do not need a grade 9 visionary, a rebellion, a revolution. Afterall, schooling, including University can either be enlightening, or conditioning. If you take what your professor spits at you, face value, and simply memorize it, you're being conditioned. Challenging professors is not the best approach, but its essential to learning. I've heard horror stories of students being kicked out, beaten up, failed, etc. for going against a thesis that a professor supported. It seems crazy, but not entirely unbelievable. Afterall, in society you're either a chickenhead, or the one emigrating (ode to Phillip K. Dick).

I'm reading alot more now, especially novels that I haven't picked up in years, most notably Blade Runner/Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep. A short novel, but profoundly powerful. The only beef I have with Phillip Dick is the dialogue. The characters speak out of character, and spontaneously blurt out something that doesn't seem natural - J.R. Isidore is one of those characters.

Did you remember to...

Spontaneous Ideas

2005-07-18T00:40:00.000-04:00

my best ideas come to me while I'm lying in bed, "processing" thoughts. Sometimes this daily task takes hours, but seems like minutes. The perception of time is an interesting topic, athletes can actually "slow down" time. That topic could be discussed for literally years (that is, if you believe years exist), and I'm in no capacity to form any real conclusions about it.

Since my seemingly spontaneous thoughts snap in, and out of my head, what then can I do to remember them? Columbo had the right idea: a small notepad could be used to jot down ideas on the fly. Maybe I need to better train my brain to "latch" onto to certain things. One of the most powerful aspects of our brain is creatvitity. If you can make a stupid, intricate story out of facts, chances are you'll remember those facts for a long time yet. It's an excellent way to study on tests, or simply remembering everyday details like grocery lists - try it! Yet, this method works with repeition, and not spontaneous thoughts.

London Terror: Hoax or .... ?

2005-07-15T02:19:00.000-04:00

The lastest "developments" in the London Terror (as CNN so eloquently calls it) do not make sense. How does it go from a suicide bombing attack, to sectioning off a neighbourhood in Leeds (All in less than a week)? Is it just me, or does something seem very wrong here?

I don't even understand how they found the alleged "suicide bomber(s)". They positively ID'd four men, yet the FBI cannot even find a kidnapper. How ironic. I guess a guy wearing a knapsack on a bus is now sufficent enough to be considered a threat. There's many little anomalies already showing up, and they're just a bit too convient. It doesn't take a genius to realize that the media is running with this, and covering the tracks as they did with 9/11.

Ultimately, people did die, and others did get hurt, and that is most definitely a tragedy. Yet, just something seems out of place. I guess everything you do leaves a trace, but this is ridiculous. And the funny thing is, everybody is eating this shit up - Plato was a wise man, and his cave is now our reality.

I hope good ol' Bushy doesn't kill us all. It seems China is poised to strike; when will they learn?

People Fade As People Do

2005-07-13T21:25:00.000-04:00

Wandered down on avenue A
The coffee shops the sweet cache
Of thoughts and words and laughter gone
Never ending stream of what you've
Known so long and long ignored
Don't think so hard just smoke your cigarette
And fade off into blue
'Cause people fade as people always do

Go out, and buy every single David Usher album. Very underrated artist, with great lyrical writing ability, and a knack for simple yet varied composistions.

Maintaining ... Blog ... I ... Must

2005-07-12T02:14:00.000-04:00

I'll be editing the template over the night, and implenting a few features (linkage, word of the day, etc).

My prayers, and best intentions go out to those affected by Hurricane Dennis. Stay safe!

Avoiding Deception

2005-07-10T20:29:00.000-04:00

The following quote, by Descartes, has really stuck in my head:

"...but it is sometimes proved to me that these senses are deceptive, and it is wiser not to trust entirely to anything by which we have once been deceived."

Deception, based on the senses, is almost a paradox. If you have a strong foundation in what's "real" to you, then you shouldn't be tricked. This seems like the obvious, but it's the pathway to leading the "good life". I've read up on (Neo)Platonic thought, and it seems all well and good, but the 21st century westerner (myself anyways) won't be able to apply it to their lives. The concepts are there, but an application is very difficult. It requires a reprogramming of ourselves, of our attachment to society. This is of course assuming that you believe Plato's ideals to be true.

Another such example is Sun Tzu's "The Art of War". The underlying concept is that every situation can be viewed as a conflict/battlefield, and as such, each move should be strategic and perfect. There's no waste in your movements, for each movement reveals more about yourself to the "enemy". If people seriously applied this method to their lives, we'd be in a chaotic mental state, where everyone would be paranoid.

The next question is, can we be free from deception, from being "fooled"? What exactley is being "fooled"? Perhaps it's doing something that we wouldn't normally do, or in a situation do. Take alcohol consumption, leading to a drunken state: if you're intoxicated enough, rationality goes out the window. So can we say that we were fooled by the alcohol, or our inability to act under the influence?

In order to fully avoid deception by outside forces, we must abolish the idea of sharing, and brotherhood; one's well-being only matters. Stalin, USSR's dictator, was a man who thought he knew how to avoid being tricked. He purged whomever he suspected to be false - He was paranoid. That seems to be the solution to avoid being fooled by others, isolate yourselves.

The deception that really matters, is by yourself. Lying to yourself causes more damage. This idea brings me back to my original point: strong foundation in the real, strong protection against the false.

Addiction

2005-07-09T23:52:00.000-04:00

When you're addicted or attached to anything, the first hours of its absence are tormenting. The days are tough, but bearable. Weeks following, the urge may come back periodicly, but the hunger isn't there anymore.

From personal experience, losing something of value seemed to attack me from within. Things no longer made sense, the world was no longer beautiful, every song on the radio was written just for me. People call this sort of condition depression, for me it couldn't be named. Theory is theory, until you experience it first hand, its a bunch of bullshit. You can read book after book on relationships, but when you're attracted to someone, all the words are gone.

There's so many little assumptions that go seemingly unnoticed. You flick a switch, you assume a light will go on. You walk on the floor, you assume it'll support your weight. You like someone, you assume you will for a long time. It's very naive. Relying on someone else is eventually self-defeating. It's a common problem with those who are released from prison after long stints. They're pretty much burnt out, and useless. Shawshank Redemption is an excellent example of this.

Our assumptions, in my experience, have developed into addictions. I assumed electricity will always be there, but when its gone, I'm confused and hopeless.

The hardest "thing" for me is relationships, and friends. My expectations are so great that eventually what I want in someone else just doesn't exist. Which leads me to believe that relationships of any kind, for myself, are also self-defeating. Why strive for the impossible?

Maybe I'm just so-called depressed, maybe I'm just bored from the summer holidays, maybe I'm just bored in general. No, I'm just lonely.

New Beginnings

2005-07-09T03:29:00.000-04:00

Starting something from the beginning is anything but downhill. It allows a person to take each piece of a puzzle, and carefully assemble it. This blog is starting from scratch. As of late everything seems to be wrong on this blog. My words and personal information have been juggled around, and ultimately used against me. So, I've got nothing to lose.

Blogs are weblogs, they are personal space used for personal needs. Without a community and a sense of cohersion, blogs wouldn't work (for lack of better terms); writers, readers, and a platform are needed. The reader, or fan-base aspect isn't nessasary as the freedom of the Blogging platform, in this case Google's Blogger, allows anybody to publish their thoughts for anybody to read. That's the wonderful part.

Creativity, and curiousity are absolutely essential if a blog is to flourish. That is, if the author wants it to be something of an attraction. What recently occurred on my blog was both ignorant, and completely unnessasary. That isn't to say I don't appreciate criticism and feedback, but when personal attacks are made against me, and snarling comments are sent amongst users, "comments" become a problem.

I sometimes write out of boredom, or for its theraputic value. The contents of the articles that will be present here are not supposed to be phD level essays about the meaning of life, studies on cancer, or anything revolutionary. They're my thoughts, vague or concise, it doesn't really matter. I'm not too sure what expectations some people may have. You obviously wont find wonderful works of literature on here. That's the beauty of blogs, your word can get across to others in simple language.

Does taking someone's word, inputting your own principles, and then spewing it back at the author make your argument/word anymore correct? If anything, its biased. Does it matter who is wrong/right? People seem to pride themselves at the expense of others, and that was quite evident on this blog over the last few days.

I do not care how stupid I sound, how much you hate me, or how wrong my word is. I write because I want to, you read/comment because you want to. With that in mind, I hope the hateful comments lighten up a little. I'm sorry if I offended anybody, or my words on here are sickening.

Starting New

2005-07-08T20:29:00.000-04:00