This post is too long!

This blog has existed - in a few versions - for many years now, I'd guess about 2. Since that time, many of my most personal thoughts, feelings, and daily happenings were documented. Looking back, I don't really know where I turned wrong, but I did. High school, romance, University, parties, drugs, friends, and strangers have shaped me for better (and worse). The days of absolute innocence are now long gone, the days of complication are now dawning.

All through that time there's been 2 individuals that have really left something with me, and will always have a spot in my life. The sad part of this tale is that a part of me rejects them, while another accepts them. I'm really not sure why exactley this is, but fear is certainly a big part of it. I'm simply too scared to go forward, progress, and make real decisions that will affect my life in real ways.

I've grown up a lot these past years, more than I'd ever have hoped. The geeky loner is now replaced with this person I still don't know who. Its like some demonic force has overtaken my mind, and bestowed this mental block on me. Simply tasks like communicating with a family member aren't even possible anymore; my battery is running low, and I can't find the recharger.

My social life isn't even real, but cast around people who know nothing about me, and gossip when I'm not around. There's no friendship because I exist in a world outside of theirs. I'm way too honest with people, and it causes problems at every corner. Everyone around me has grown so accustomed to living in the dark about core issues surrounding their lives. I go to University, enjoy the simple things in life, and love to know as much as possible about the world around me. This is drastically different from that of my peers: most of them cannot even keep a steady job, enjoy living the ideals of Westernized society without a hint of questioning them, and are the complete opposite of me. People used to always tell me that opposites attract, but this is ridiculous.

My "love" life is probably even worse than that. I've been fixated on one person for a long time now, and I just can't commit. I keep waiting, and waiting, hoping for that person to be there day after day. Reality has caught up with me now, and allowed me to see a grusome truth: I will never be with her. As much as I hate relationships, people, and all that comes with it, this girl is very special. I've pondered the idea of Soulmates, but I am only 19, and still very stupid, so that's just a thought in my head, and I'm not buying into it, yet. So, this department is on extended vacation for atleast the next few years.

The one thing that is keeping me grounded on my feet, and not in a grave is probably school. It's something that can't be described in words, but is probably the best thing I have ever experienced. The atmosphere, the information, the campus, the homework. Every aspect of it delights me to the point where I never want to leave. I hope to become a teacher, university prof to be exact. I wouldn't mind rambling on to a bunch of droopy eyed young adults who are serious and eager to learn. After all, University is the holy grail of education.

I've been going on about pretty much nothing for awhile now, and its really very theraputic. I used to fucking love typing my most spontaneous ideas as fast as I could. What a friend we have in time, it gives us children and makes us wise.